The heart whispers "Why not"

The lights are on me,
The walls hide my tearing eyes.
Carefull not to make a sound of weakness,
The internal conflict starts.

Why did he break my heart?
Maybe if I was skinnier,
Why can't I get a chance?
Am I really that unlovable,
untouchable, unthinkable?

Why am I still talking to you?
Why are my parents still fighting?
Why can't I meet my freedom?
Where is the light in this tunnel?

Questions and stories flood my mind,
Memories that left me scared and unkind.
Where is the justice to this madness?
Since when was this sadness?

My phone rings, a text from him.
But what is next to my phone?
I white little cap on top of a razor.
A little white cap on the eversharp blades.

I wonder what it would feel like,
That little white cap.
What it would be like,
to make my blood turn red.

It has to help the broken heart somehow,
Why else would they do it.
It has to make the fighting stop,
Have you seen thier scars?

Time goes by.
First in seconds,
Minutes,
Hours.

He says good night.
I say good morning.
And with a new life in mind,
I pick up the little white cap.

Holding it in between my warm fingers,
I place it against my left index.
I make a small line that soon faded.

No! I say out loud,
The whole world can see.
I turn up the tv,
I put down the razor.
I can say I have.

30 minutes go by,
I still am wondering why?
So many questions fill my brain,
viciouse venom in my veins,
The monster is released.

White cap in hand,
Oh that white cap.
Ever so sharp turning dull,
Never deep dispite my effort,
Forever there, my deepest comfort.