LBD

Anything to be unaverage,
to look more then me,
To look hot rather cute
stunning vanishing average
To be more in less,
rid the wholesome effect.

How I wish to break out,
this shell thats holding me back,
to experience provocative attenchion,
forced my way

My natural beauty traded for artificial,
my body shown to its last imperfection.
Oh to be not average for a day.

Attenchion from the opposite sex,
Glory and confidence from within.
To walk around and flaunt my stuff,
for all I am worth.

To be hot and sexy,
Trade in my t-shirts for an LBD
An LBD that suites me.

To have an LBD in the back of my closet.
Every girl needs one.
A Little Black Dress,
Something that shows the world what I have.

Random

Alrighty.
So I've been thinking a lot, and I don't know where to turn.
I'm afraid.
I admitted that I have an eating disorder.
Ya know theirs an eating disorder for eating healthy?
Yea, fucked up!?!?!
What next, a fucking disorder for liking ponies?
Yea, that probably exists too.

Anyways the disorder is Orthorexia.
Its basically an obsession with eating healthy.
My mom had it for a few years back,
I had it with her. It then formed into anorexia,
Then while trying to recover from that,
I think I may have gotten Orthorexia.

Or incould be eating normally, and then have an anxiety disorder towards eating disorders.
See, Ive been dieting since 5th grade.
I don't know what kind eating is normal.

And quite frankly I don't care if i don't get hurt.
Because my eating habits only effect other people if they hurt me.

I just cracked my neck and lower back
Be jelouse :)

Anyways, I just want to be healthy.
Other then finding an eating middle ground, I'm healthy.

Trains are really loud!!!

I live in the middle of two train tracks.
Shut your horn!!
Seriously? Who drives a train at 3 am? Like really!?!?!

Well I should go to bed, or at leaste check up on Rielly and Christina.
But I'm content with this.

So I decided I need to be a good girl and start my dream diary again. This time keep it next to my bed.
And also I need a new BOS.
I found mine from last year, and I had one this year for a while, I just kind of lost the motivation to keep up ya know?

The only problem is, is that I have my heart set on getting pretty notebooks. I saw some
At barns and noble and was really happy and really want them. But I think I'm going to settle with creating my own. Which could be kind of fun.
I just need supplies, and with what I have in mind,
It would be cheaper just to buy one.

It pisses me off that people think I'm not religious because I'm not Christian.
I may not go to church every Sunday, but that's because theirs not q Wiccan or pagen one around here.
It would be so cool to get a bunch of pagans together. I know of at leaste 5 in my high school. Plus any potential family, etc.
I met this one girl at a craft fair. She had a Wiccan stand. We probably talked for an hour. She was so cool!!!
She was talking about her wand. She didn't make hers, hers Is crystal with the shakeria crystals. That's bad spelling....
But we were talking and I got some ideas. I have jars now :)
And I havE ideas for when I want to make my alter when I get my room set up. Kevins dad taught me how to use a saw :)
I love kevins parents so much.
I'm basically their daughter. I go to family events and basically live there half the time.
I help out around their house more then I do my own.
Kevins going to help me paint over the wall Maddie and I painted, and then im probably going to sucker him into helping me with my garden if my dad doesn't get a rototille.
I just love how everything is.
Ip wish we were in a relationship though. Yea we will be soon i guess...
I really hope he asks me out on beltane!
How cute would that be!?!?!
Im such a girl....

Speaking of girl, nicolle and I had a girls night out day. It was FANTASTIC!!!
Did you know that every store doesn't sell video games?!?!?
Like yea we went to a few of the classics, hot topic l, spencers, etc. But we also went to macys, Victoria, jcp, Claire, noodles, etc.
Nicolle got her ears pierced :D

I want my cartalidge peirced really bad. I dunno why...
And I kind of want my belly button, but thatd be weird...
And nose are cool, but that's oily and I like blowing my nose in peace

I wanna go try on a dress tomorrow...
And I need to go to target with my mom...
I want leggings that cut off above the knee so I can wear it with skirts.
Or thigh high socks

The sold them at hot topic. They were cute :)

Well Imma go.

Byeee

3,2,1, Im not hiding.

1
One.
Single.
2.
Two.
Couple.
3.
Three.
Few.

One word,
One couple,
Few seconds left together.

Spiraling down,
I'm okay.

Tears streaming,
I need help.

My body functions but I do not.
Im panicing.

I need him.
I cant anymore.

Not now.
Not now.

I grab my teddy.
My jacket it is on.

I see headlights,
I open my door.

I colapse in silent
wipe stray tears

Words are said
Hugs are given

Laughs replace tears
Comfort

But everything ends.

Inside, alone.
Teddy in hand.

Nobody knows.
Upstairs.

Phone.
Friend.

Calm.
Okay.

Bye.
Cry.

Downstairs.
Juice.

Thoughts.
Cry.

Calm.
Okay.

Homework.
Cry.

Upstairs.
Sleep.

Repeat.
Repeat.
Repeat.

I see him everyday.
I can't take it.

I can't do this.
What can't I do?

Confused.
Wondering.

Remembering.
Not okay.

Hugs
Dont exist

Her.
of course.
Okay.

Okay.
Cry.

Live.
Breath.

Breath.
Breath.


I have to focas not on how what when why
What ifs never solved anything.

Breath.
Breath.
Breath.

Im worse.
Im worse.

Love.