A cry in the night, A plead for air

Why am I still here?
Nothing is going right.
Nothing is going my way.
Nothing.

Nobody cares.
It's all talk.
Nobody is offering help.
I am asking. Begging. Pleading.
Help me please.
Please.
Make this pain stop.

I'm not safe.
I'm not healthy.
I'm not right.
I will deal with the judment.
I will deal with people
The Dissaproving looks.
The talk.
I want help.
I can't rise above this on my own.

Nobody cares enough to hear me.
Nobody cares to hear my plea.
I want help more than anything.
I want to be loved.
All you say is words.
Just like me.
We are both missing actions.

I'm not pretty,
I'm not smart.
I try my best.
I'm not good enough.

I'm crazy, I know.
I lie more than you would beleive.
I'm trying to get better,
but I never sucseed.

I'm asking you for help now.
This isn't easy to do.
Nobody is going to save me from myself.
No matter how hard I cry.
No matter how much I bleed.

Whether you like to beleive it or not,
I'm not okay.
I'm not fine.
Mom, Dad, I'm anerexic.
Nothing you say can change that
I do things,
I'd rather not speak.

I have not stopped falling mom.
I don't feel good dad.
I'm depressed all the time,
and I have nobody to help me.

I know, we can't afford any help,
money is tight, I know.
"I'll get you help when we can afford it"
I gave up beleiving you.

I'm so sorry I'm putting all of you through this.
I wish I could be healthy.
Please don't blame my friends though.
They have nothing to do with it.

Mom,
Don't threaten to take away hawaii,
Or Maddie,
Or any of my friends.
They make me happy.
please just help me.
I don't know how.
I'm begging you now.
Pleading.
I don't like feeling this way.
I've tried to get healthy on my own mom.
But nothing I do is working.

Dad,
I know theirs not much you can do.
I know this kills you inside.
But I just can't go on living the way I am.
I don't want to die.
I'm not going to either.
I just want help.
But I dont know what to do,
How to get it,
anything.

Maddie.
You have been with me for 9 years now.
Thanks for all the good times.
This isn't easy for me to do,
just writing this is hard.
But I'm not okay.
I just want releif
I havent been doing my part as a friend.
I know I haven't been their for you.
I know I haven't shown that I cared.
I know I haven't been easy on you.
I do how ever know two things,
One: I am eternally grateful for Kevin,
Two: I will never figure out your TV.
But nothing I say matters.
It never does.
I don't have any actions to prove I care.
I'm sorry I'm not a good friend,
I'm sorry that I can't help you.
I'm sorry I haven't been their when you needed me,
Or that I don't call.
I'm sorry I'm not myself around you.
But I never forgott you.
I understand now,
That it is imposible to forgett me.
Because even if I wanted to,
I wouldn't be able to forgett you.
I'm sorry I'm not a stable friend
I want to fix things with us.
I am fixing things with us.
I'm trying my best now.
But my best is never good enough.

I'm sorry I'm putting all of my friends through my roller coaster.
Its not a very fun one I know.
I need my life like the raging bull,
because we all forget what comes after H.
I want to be truely happy again.
Marching band season needs to double time over here.
But most of all,
I just want to laugh again.
Not have a care,
Truely have fun.
We need PAD. Mabey even PDO.
We just need to have fun.
I want to be able to.
more than anything I do.

So heres a cheer for the future,
because it's looking bright.
But for now,
The never ending clouds won't leave.
Life is pure misery.
Help me through this.
I can't face this on my own.

Life is a bitch

I know.
You don't have to tell me.
Besides, I'm better off this way.
I don't need the pain,
or the feeling,
or the blood,
or the scar,
or the wonder,
or the tears.

I don't need it.
I want it.
Oh I do.
But I don't need it.
No of course not.
I don't need it at all,
I can make it on my own.
Totally.
Good luck with that.

another wish, another mistake

I slowly lift this life,
in which I try to leave.
I throw it down,
and feel the pain and misery.

I'm trying to get over the fact,
that you don't know me.
It seems like you should though
but I won't let you

I know I mean nothing to you,
but it doesn't help the pain.
You wonder why I don't speak a word,
in fear of you seeing the scars.

I'm done with hiding,
I'm tired of tears,
I'm sick of waisting my life away,
Wishing you were here.

I'm tired of making plans
to have them thrown away.
I know my tears make you happy,
you don't see what they do to me

So once more,
and it won't be the last.
I'll pick up this old life of mine,
and mabey this time you'll see my scars

Dancing winds

A blank space,
open notebook
Just waiting for ideas to flow to me.
Waiting, swaying
nervous for whats coming
take in strides
wait through the storm

Take me away,
the sun will shine
through hazel walls
You send me through wonders
another chance to make this right
I'm dying to see what you have brought,

Another page to this open notebook,
Another phrase to this never ending song,
Another line to another poem
trying to explain my time

I wonder why clouds won't fade,
I hold on tight to this world of make-beleive
Just don't forgett
what I've taught
Just don't forget about me,

Another page to this open notebook,
Another phrase to this never ending song,
Another line to another poem
trying to explain my thoughts

See right through the haze,
you can help me through
Be there for me
help me through.

Another page to this open notebook,
Another phrase to this never ending song,
Another line to another poem
trying to explain my life

A blank space,
open notebook
Just waiting for ideas to flow

See my thoughts

For the first time in a long while,
I waited for 11:11.
This may not seem like a big deal,
But I used it on you.
I know I fell for you far to fast
Though you don't seem to mind
Even though weve met just once
My heart belongs to you
Even though I'm destined for a heart break,
I know you will make the break mendable
For I don't care right now how hard I fall
You will be there with me
Or even if you aren't, you would want to
Usually is the case
Don't think I don't care about you
Or assume anything about me
Not that you would.
Though humans have that tendancy
Lovely night
Ironic day
Keep this in mind
Even if you don't want to
I'll be in your head sooner or later
Though, I don't think you'll mind
:)

If only you knew

Fame, Fourtune, and everything imaginable
means nothing to me.
It's just a title and a sterotype I can live with out
Sweep me off my feet,
Tell me that you love me
and kiss me like their's no tommorow
would mean the world to my shattered heart.

Confessions of my thoughts

All the things I wish I could say to you
I simply can't
For if I did you wouldn't love me,
You wouldn't be there for me,
You would never look at me the same.

I wish I could tell you what goes on in my mind
about him, about you, about our friendship
I know I can't,
you would never speak to me again.

I wish I could tell you all that is wrong.
I wish I could open up to you
I wish I could be myself and still have your love.

I wish you could see past hazle walls
You know me best,
You know me leaste,
Sadly you don't know the real me.

I don't understand how you could be so open with me,
I can't tell you what is wrong right now.

I want to open up to you
but I fear for your sanity,

My mascara isn't water proof,
Neither is yours.
You've been through a lot,
I'm not going to ruin your happiness,
I'm not going to ruin our friendship

I mean what I say

When you ask me whats wrong
and I don't speak strongly
I want you toknow what is wrong
but I don't want to ruin your fun

You get happy off of him
and I'm trying to let you be happy
It just doesn't seem like it

My depression shouldn't mean anything to you
Why it does,
I'm not all that sure.
You use the excuse
"your my best friend"
but that doesn't matter.

My depression can wait,
so go be happy,
My problums will still be here tommorow,
and I know they won't leave
they will be strong as ever
for when you have time for me

So go have fun
I'm not trying to guilt trip you.
I know I haven't been fun lately,
So you don't want to be with me.

You say you'd rather be with me,
but when it's just me and you,
we sit in your room,
and you go on your laptop, and talk to him,
or go online,
or play video games.
I sit and watch you.

So stop lying to my face,
as I have done to you.
You would rather be with him,
I'm just there for when you need someone to talk to.

I know your secrets
I'm the one you talk to
I get all the crazy
I wish I could say the same about you.
But thats okay,
you don't need my problums.
You're not my counsler.
If you were,
then that would suck

I don't mean to drag down your fun.
Just forgett about me,
and my problums.
I'll be here for when you remember.