Meh, cuz I can

Music is my life,
The lyrics are my story.

When words fall, Music speaks

Every exit is an entrence for somewhere else.

Your the chords to my melody

Heaven is a symphony and I am a musician.

Theirs always going to be an up hill battle,
Sometimes you have to loose

Once you loose faith in music and love,
The end wont be long.

Weeping Wind

Do you feel all the colors swirling,
sence all the water coming through
Feel the air rush underneath you,
invelope into a warm smile.

Love captivating you, hostage.
Warming with the deepest consent
hearing the whispers
Angels are flowing

Waves come crashing down,
resloving into a deep peace
Beauty in its disaster
horror in its grace

Why does the wind flow feirce,
The wings soar easy.
The waves crash hard,
Emotions flow freely

Love for a child

Ya know, you never have to shave.
I don't mind.
Ya know, you can sleep in today.
I can wait.
Ya know, your wife makes better toast.
But I can settle for yours.
Ya know, I probably shouldn't have put 12 spoons of sugar into my coffee.
But thanks for letting me.

Ya know, I still play with each toy individually?
Ya know, I still smile at cookies?
Ya know, I still think about you every day?
Ya know, I love you in every way.

Ya know, I think about my actions and how they effect you?
Ya know, I won't listen to that one beatles song because of you?
Ya know, I haven't played Go Fish since the last time I saw you?
Ya know, Life isn't the same without you.

I didn't know that would be the last time.
If I could do one thing over again,
I would have stayed.
I love you Grandpa

When we never want it to end

Walking with such composure
Playing with such talent
Smiling with such bliss
Eyes set to cry

Memories flood in
Wishing to relive the happiness,
Forgetting the pain

Does anybody know this,
Feel this way?

A child once loved now abandoned by nature,
only to transition into a new life.

A new life without meaning
Eyes set to cry
Good bye old life, you will be missed.

Multiple Ideas, one poem

I open the doors, Guitars are being tuned
Wednessday night Praise rehursals,
Nerve wracking, but full of confidence,
Waiting for you to arrive

(Check yes Juliet)

Come in and stay a while
Relax it's only me
The one who talks to loud,
laughs to often.
The biggest flirt around,
but hey, It's only me

(Teenage Dream, Katty Perry)

He makes me feel so invincible,
So confident,
Like I'm living some insane life
I could see myself playing games, having fun
being innocent teenagers
Just one touch of his skin sends shivers up my spine
I'm living a dream

(I caught fire, the used)

My heart pounding,
I glance up and see you looking at me
The room melts away.
It's only me and you
What was I saying?
Was I speaking?
Your eyes, a conversation without words
Your heart, a place I can be heard

(Surrender, Marc James)

We start practicing Surrender
Remember the first rehursal,
I didn't know this song
I made you stop drumming to help me.
This is my favorite song in Praise thanks to you.
You always have a way of helping me out

(Viva La Vida, Coldplay)

After practice, during our jam session,
We decided to play this.
Remember, all that time back?
Before Freshmen year?
Hey, that dress looked awesome with those jeans.
That was so long ago, We've both changed.
But unlike the song, we've changed for the better.

(You belong with Me, T-Swift)

It's so easy talking to you, the guy you've become
I'm so glad were actually becoming friends.
Thank you so much for helping me through this,
You're possibly the nicest guy I've talked to
and you've really made a difference in my life.
Keep praying babe,
I'm always here for you if you want
Oh yea, one last thing (Insert name here,)
I like you



(Alright, so each stanza I listened to a diffrent song and wrote what inspired me based on that song. With minor editing I got it to flow pretty okay. Obviously this is about me liking a boy and reminicing, ending with the confidence he brings out in me to tell him that I like him, hence why I ended with T Swift, you belong with me, because in the end,she tells the guy she loves him. Although I'm not going to that extent, I thought it would be an appropriate song. Hope you enjoyed the poem, and feel free to leave comments below :) )

LBD

Anything to be unaverage,
to look more then me,
To look hot rather cute
stunning vanishing average
To be more in less,
rid the wholesome effect.

How I wish to break out,
this shell thats holding me back,
to experience provocative attenchion,
forced my way

My natural beauty traded for artificial,
my body shown to its last imperfection.
Oh to be not average for a day.

Attenchion from the opposite sex,
Glory and confidence from within.
To walk around and flaunt my stuff,
for all I am worth.

To be hot and sexy,
Trade in my t-shirts for an LBD
An LBD that suites me.

To have an LBD in the back of my closet.
Every girl needs one.
A Little Black Dress,
Something that shows the world what I have.

Random

Alrighty.
So I've been thinking a lot, and I don't know where to turn.
I'm afraid.
I admitted that I have an eating disorder.
Ya know theirs an eating disorder for eating healthy?
Yea, fucked up!?!?!
What next, a fucking disorder for liking ponies?
Yea, that probably exists too.

Anyways the disorder is Orthorexia.
Its basically an obsession with eating healthy.
My mom had it for a few years back,
I had it with her. It then formed into anorexia,
Then while trying to recover from that,
I think I may have gotten Orthorexia.

Or incould be eating normally, and then have an anxiety disorder towards eating disorders.
See, Ive been dieting since 5th grade.
I don't know what kind eating is normal.

And quite frankly I don't care if i don't get hurt.
Because my eating habits only effect other people if they hurt me.

I just cracked my neck and lower back
Be jelouse :)

Anyways, I just want to be healthy.
Other then finding an eating middle ground, I'm healthy.

Trains are really loud!!!

I live in the middle of two train tracks.
Shut your horn!!
Seriously? Who drives a train at 3 am? Like really!?!?!

Well I should go to bed, or at leaste check up on Rielly and Christina.
But I'm content with this.

So I decided I need to be a good girl and start my dream diary again. This time keep it next to my bed.
And also I need a new BOS.
I found mine from last year, and I had one this year for a while, I just kind of lost the motivation to keep up ya know?

The only problem is, is that I have my heart set on getting pretty notebooks. I saw some
At barns and noble and was really happy and really want them. But I think I'm going to settle with creating my own. Which could be kind of fun.
I just need supplies, and with what I have in mind,
It would be cheaper just to buy one.

It pisses me off that people think I'm not religious because I'm not Christian.
I may not go to church every Sunday, but that's because theirs not q Wiccan or pagen one around here.
It would be so cool to get a bunch of pagans together. I know of at leaste 5 in my high school. Plus any potential family, etc.
I met this one girl at a craft fair. She had a Wiccan stand. We probably talked for an hour. She was so cool!!!
She was talking about her wand. She didn't make hers, hers Is crystal with the shakeria crystals. That's bad spelling....
But we were talking and I got some ideas. I have jars now :)
And I havE ideas for when I want to make my alter when I get my room set up. Kevins dad taught me how to use a saw :)
I love kevins parents so much.
I'm basically their daughter. I go to family events and basically live there half the time.
I help out around their house more then I do my own.
Kevins going to help me paint over the wall Maddie and I painted, and then im probably going to sucker him into helping me with my garden if my dad doesn't get a rototille.
I just love how everything is.
Ip wish we were in a relationship though. Yea we will be soon i guess...
I really hope he asks me out on beltane!
How cute would that be!?!?!
Im such a girl....

Speaking of girl, nicolle and I had a girls night out day. It was FANTASTIC!!!
Did you know that every store doesn't sell video games?!?!?
Like yea we went to a few of the classics, hot topic l, spencers, etc. But we also went to macys, Victoria, jcp, Claire, noodles, etc.
Nicolle got her ears pierced :D

I want my cartalidge peirced really bad. I dunno why...
And I kind of want my belly button, but thatd be weird...
And nose are cool, but that's oily and I like blowing my nose in peace

I wanna go try on a dress tomorrow...
And I need to go to target with my mom...
I want leggings that cut off above the knee so I can wear it with skirts.
Or thigh high socks

The sold them at hot topic. They were cute :)

Well Imma go.

Byeee

3,2,1, Im not hiding.

1
One.
Single.
2.
Two.
Couple.
3.
Three.
Few.

One word,
One couple,
Few seconds left together.

Spiraling down,
I'm okay.

Tears streaming,
I need help.

My body functions but I do not.
Im panicing.

I need him.
I cant anymore.

Not now.
Not now.

I grab my teddy.
My jacket it is on.

I see headlights,
I open my door.

I colapse in silent
wipe stray tears

Words are said
Hugs are given

Laughs replace tears
Comfort

But everything ends.

Inside, alone.
Teddy in hand.

Nobody knows.
Upstairs.

Phone.
Friend.

Calm.
Okay.

Bye.
Cry.

Downstairs.
Juice.

Thoughts.
Cry.

Calm.
Okay.

Homework.
Cry.

Upstairs.
Sleep.

Repeat.
Repeat.
Repeat.

I see him everyday.
I can't take it.

I can't do this.
What can't I do?

Confused.
Wondering.

Remembering.
Not okay.

Hugs
Dont exist

Her.
of course.
Okay.

Okay.
Cry.

Live.
Breath.

Breath.
Breath.


I have to focas not on how what when why
What ifs never solved anything.

Breath.
Breath.
Breath.

Im worse.
Im worse.

Love.

Whats on my mind.

I have a lot of things on my mind, and I guess I should post them on here because I have a higher chance of having somebody to talk to about it with that actually cares.

Well let's start out with family, more specifically my moms family.
My uncle, he's the one with all the cats, might have pancreatic cancer. It's treatable so that portion is okay. Long story short, my family is going to have to help him. The thing is, I can't go near him, let alone his house or else I'll be hospitalized. He smokes and has cats. That leaves one sick ginger.
So basically my mom is now worried about whats going to happen, because if you know anything about my mom, you know why.

Next, lets move onto my dads family.

My cool and 2nd favorite Uncle. He's so awesome, I've seen him like 3 times but he's beat out all buut one Uncle, he's that cool. He and my dad built his house, obviously years ago, but he had it build on a diagnol almost to the road. Why? Because their was a really pretty tree and if he had it straight, then he would have to cut it down. He's so awesome. At all the funerals I saw him at, he and I always talk. When my Grandpa died, he and I goofed off for like a half and hour. (My grandpas funeral was the most depressing funeral, but the most fun). Then at my Uncles funeral he was hilarious. Well, at the brunch. You cant really goof around at your brothers funeral... So at the brunch.
Anyways, he just got out of the hospital for ammonia. It got to the point where I have 2 new funeral outfits for the wake and the funeral.
It's just, sad. I really want to go spend a weekend up their with him, go fishing, be with him ya know? He's so cool!

My grandma. I have so many stories from my grandma. She's an incredible woman. I love her so freaking much. She's on dialisis. Shes compleatly bruised on both her arms, got multiple surgeries. I really wish I could give her one of my kidneys and let her get off of dialisis. I just, really hate seeing her so fragile.

My dad. He's, well, I don't know what he is exactly, but he's a pretty awesome dad. He got me a Happy Meal from McDonalds!!! I just really wish he could have his old life back before he got hurt. I don't like seeing him having to take all the pills,but I know he needs them. Pills come with age, and yea hes getting old, but it's just, intimadating in a way. I dunno.

And thats all my family issues.

I want to talk about Kevin now. No, nothings wrong with our relationship. I just really love him. Truely down to the pit of my stomache love him. I hope I get to see him tommorow. I really want a hug and cuddles. I'm probably wearing his flannels if I see him tommorow. Why look cute if I'm not going to school... My daily logic is, Why look cute if I'm going to school... Eh. As long as I put on a pair of jeans I'm good. Should I bring Mr. Snuggles again? Nah. I love Mr. Snuggles too :)
Kevin hasnt responded to me for an hour. I suspect HIMYM or AIM isnt working.

I just really love being in a solid relationship for so long. No cheating, no other people, just me and him. I take a lot of comfort in it. I can fully trust him and can just relax. I also love that he wants to be a whore in college so then I'm not like ...other people... who are engaged or am engaged to be engaged at 16. It's rediculous in my eyes. This is the age to explore and have fun, not settle down. Yea, your biological clock is telling you to get married, but its also telling you to get knocked up. I don't know about you, but I am not getting knocked up at 16. It's stupid as all hell to even put your body at risk like that.
If your going to have sex, get your head out of your ass, be a man, put on the condom.

I just really love Kevin.

A lot.
Like a lot a lot.



and Mr. Snuggles.
Mr. Snuggles I wouldnt mindn getting engaged to because hes comfy.
But I couldnt marry him, he doesnt talk enough.
nno offence Mr. Snuggles. ;)



Whats another thing I have on my mind... that isn't gossip.
Oh yea,

Friends

Okay, so I lost a lot of my friends. Well, I lost Sam, Erin, and then founnd out that my aquantences dont like me.

Sam, she got in a group with my aquantences that dont like me, and Erin cant have sleepovers anymore because of medical.

But I still have Andrew, Nicolle, Kevin and now Jen.

Yea, me and Jen are like, really close. I never fully realized that under the sarcasm was a fun girl to hang out with. My moms friends with her mom too so it's really cool. It gets a little awkward at times when she's ranting about Maddie, but I understand the whole, shes my best friend though concept, so those are the times when I sit back smile pretty and nod my head while trying not to burst out laughing at what she did. I dont get full stories becasue she owes that respect to Maddie, which I can understand, but it's like, your respecting maddie by not telling me this, but I'm sure maddie was thinking about respecting you when hooking up with the guy you liked and using "girl code" as a justification method.
Girl Code: The ultimate excuse to get pissed at your friend for no good reason.

Anyways, if I were to imput my oppinion here, it would come back to bite me in the ass, so I'm just going to leave that paragraph how it is in hopes of people not getting pissed at me. which if Maddie is in a pissy mood and is creeping, then message me because I would personally love to get into a bitch fest over this, thus releasing your tension and aggression as to why you are pissy, and letting me freely rant about the subject, feeding off of eachothers agression thus letting it explode into a glorious teenage girl atomic bomb,or the GTHAB. Pronounced Ga Th Aw Ba (in a angry spartan? tone)

Just aim it to be on like a Friday/Saturday night. I'm usually in by 11, but am asleep by 11:30...

Speaking of ginger,
I had my second ginger song sung to me.

First it was, ginger lovin and it feels so good!

now replace Greece's summer lovin, to ginger lovin.
Thank you Adam.


I got Merlin III today!!!
and I also picked out a parakeet I will never buy but totally would because it's pretty, all while knowing I wont because they dont hand feed them at pet smart, and that is why salt hates me and pepper, if he wasnt a crabass, would be a sweet heart.

And this is why Paulie is my favorite.
Oh god, what if he wasnt hand fed.... I would be afraid to sleep because he can open his cage doors, locks and all.
(Thank you Joe for teaching him to be a guard bird)


Paulie is addicted to crackers.
No joke.
Addicted.



Ug. I scratched my eye ball, and am on these anti-biotics now, I can't wear my contact for 3 days so I'm wearing one and am getting a headache.
I'm probably going to borrow my dads eye patch until friday (When I'm off the anti-biotics, hopefully) The scratches didnt compleatly tear, so I'm glad I went in when I did.
Anti-biotics are expensive as bawls.
100 bucks for 20 drops. Yay insurance...

Well I'm gonna go to sleep, I have to sleep in tommorow :)
Yay mom that doesnt make me go to school when I have to much homework to do. YAY!!!
GOOD NIGHT :)

I smell ADD

I know you may hate me,
but deep inside this world loves me,
Some have to dig deeper then others
I'm not another

I dont just what they say
I think I'll do it my own way
Our hearts spinning
My mind racing
Can life get better then this?

Tell me, Can life get better then this?
oOo Life is ment to be lived
And if it not,
Then suck my cock



-I wrote a really bad cheesy song, deleated the first half because it wasnt stupid enough, and then I realized that this song isnt as funny as I thought it was, and it makes me seem like an egotistical 4 year old... wait, egotistical is right before theory the mind in the process of development, and theory of the mind is about 4 years old, so really this song makes me seem like a 2 year old egotistical child. That is, being atiquate with my knowledge from phycology. -is a nerd- But yea, this is the second half of a song that combined Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, Backstreet Boys, and I think Three Days Grace. Add in it's finest? I think so :) -

You can help send a friend to college by clicking this link

http://www.brickfish.com/Pages/PhotosAlbums/PhotoView.aspx?qsi=54565895


Click the button to the right of the screen.
Just once, or every 12 hours.
Every bit helps.
Tell your friends?
Thanks :)

Twirp 2011

When I close my eyes,
You're what I see
When I open my ears,
I hear your sweet melody
The feelings that I have for you can not contain
You have foud a place in my heart to remain
When I'm with you I feel what I didn't know could exist
With you I found I feeling I cant resist
With you, I found love
I love you Kevin,
Will you go to twirp with me?




-need I explain this one?-

...

-he said yes-

...

-:D-

298!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-not a poem but more of like a WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?!?! post-


WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?!
I have been safe for 298 days. Hell. Yes.
I feel amazing, like, yea, I've had some nights where its like Oh, well, this sucks, but I have been able to live through those, to this day. 298 DAYS!!!!
I'm so freaking happy now. Between Pat and Kevin I'm flying so high.
Now I really don't see why people do drugs, hell, quit the addiction and you'll be higher then ever before!

I'm doing so amazingly, and you know whats even better? Knowing I'm not going to again. I promised to many people, and I would loose everybodys hope and trust, including myself.

I can't wait to hear when Christina and Reiley hear!!!!
Well, when they go online next.

HA! THIS IS AN AMAZING DAY!!!!!
Nothing can bring me down.
I even beat my high score on Robot Unicorn Attack! COME ON!!!!
This is amazing, I think Im going to look sexually cute... like not like a hoooker: HEY I HAVE TITS COME GRAB THEM, but like a HEY I'm SO FREAKING ADORABLE AND HAPPY SO YOU SHOULD KISS ME!

Hehe. Im Sooooooo happy it's incredible. I blame the dress. I mean, I feel amazing in it and I spent like 8 hours in it. -is referringto my homecoming dress-
Yea, I went to a wedding, danced with a polish, Freshman in College Football player for like an hour straight. I love polish weddings. They had a bottle of vodka at every table. I could have done shots without anybody giving me weird looks. I didnt, but I could have. But yea, it was a crazy night.

AND NOW I'M 298 DAYS SAFE AAAANNNNDDDD I get to see Kevin today :D
Well, after the bears game. Then my dad will drive me over.

But yea, life is FUCKING AMAZING.


... and this is on the wrong blog... wow. How why did I come on this one... OOps, wrong tab.
OH WELL.



YAYAYAYAYAAYAYAYAYAYAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY



I love life and yea.


... I sound like Im on drugs, but quite frankly, I dont need drugs CUZ IM TOO FREAKING AMAZING!!!!!


-end CAPS LOCK OVER LOAD!!!!!-

I swear Im done.

:)

I hope you show the world your nothing

Walking threw halls I once owned,
with a heart I used to know
Surrounded by a sea of people,
feeling more alone

Holding hands with the one I love,
Feeling only sadness inside
Why am I out of the water,
but on edge of going back?

Why don't I know myself
or anyone else?
Why does life have so many questions
but no answer?

Does anybody hear the screams,
The cries of a once loved?
Does anybody see the mountain breaking,
Trapping all souls inside?

Can I live up to my duties,
Be better than before?
Can I move on in life,
Or open a door?

Why does life have to be lived?
Why does living have to be so hard?
Why is it so hard to move on when all give up?
Why is it that all give up and move on with no wounds to show?

Why am I sitting here staring at a once bled, a mark of many,
But nothing new to show, to hide, to own?