Never Dying Love.

I step into the darkness,
Into a face of tear stained cheeks.
A warm embrace,
A fimiliar face.

I told her the secret,
in which I bore for two years.
She saved my life.

I promised,
We cried.
We love.

One of the hardest things is loosing family.
But I'm not loosing her,
Just placing her in my heart.

Never dying

Through music,
Through dance,
Through talk,
Through signals.

We live forever and always.

Last March

Tears rolling down our cheeks,
A drum beating on the odds.

This is the life we chose,
This is the time we loved,
This is the moment we will remember.

These ever turning seasons have been amazing,
These never failing tears,
Never ending bloodstains coat the world around us.
The stench we learned to love.
These are the hardest,
But the best of times.

So we march into the darkness.
Shakos backwards,
For we are the victoriouse,
Unaware of the final outcome of the night.
Shoulders moving,
Always united by the drum.
Feet clicking,
Slower then usual,
Embracing the tears.

This is our last march.
This is our last time.
This is ours.

Reminising on the good and bad,
Reliving the still beating.
This is our time.
We deserved it.

Freshman Year #30

I miss the way we would stay up all night talking,
dreaming up plans for when I would become beautiful.
Perfect skin, teethe, and body.
I want to be the girl I've always drempt about.
I'm growing my hair like her,
I'm trying all I can to be like her,
But I want onne change,
I want to be happy.

Freshman Year #29

-Just a forewarning, the next 4 are linked to anorexia-

We can work this out,
don't leave me.
I mean it when I say I love you,
Please don't forgett me.

Wrap me in your loving arms,
eat away my body until I become you
Please don't leave me,
I want you to stay

Please make me feel healthy again
I don't like feeling weak
I know I've been a real bad girl
-skips this line-

Please don't leave me,
Please don't forgett,
We've been together 17 months
Theirs no reason to stop.
Wrap me in your loving arms,
make me beautiful.

-I was in I want to say Reading? At this point I was already anorexic for 21 months, which tells me that this was actually about somebody else, but I tried to convince myself other wise-

Freshman Year #28

I've been glancing your way,
maybe you noticed,
probably not,
you're talking to her
so you're probably not noticing me
Oh well,
Your loss



-Yea, I have no idea who this is about, I was basically staring at everybody in drivers ed during the video becuase I had way to much anxiety going on-

Freshman Year #27

I can see you glance my way,
don't think about anything.
You hurt my best friend,
I don't like you,
I don't respect you,
I don't want to talk to you.
You hurt her,
You have a bad place in my book.
Fix things with her,
You don't realize how great she is.

Guys don't know a good thing if it slaps them in the face.

Proove me wrong.
Fix it.


-About Erin and Joe-

Freshman Year #25 and #26

I don't feel like typing it out, its basically three pages of me ranting about how math is stupid and that I will kill something before I fail.
FY 26 is the same thing as #25, only it sums it up in a paragraph, only I go on to say math is not logical what so ever and it will be the death of me.

Freshman Year #24

I know I'm a selfish fake,
but you're not a true friend.
You mean harm for me,
you don't care
you don't love me,
I keep coming back to you,
I don't know why.

You make me feel loved,
You make me feel special
You make me feel healthy,
even when I'm falling to the ground.

I know you mean well,
and I'm going to stay with you
but make the pain stop.
I can only handel so much on my heart
Yet I always manage to keep you in it
I'm not worried if you leave me.
I know you will return
You will never leave,
You promised.


-About anorexia-

Freshman Year #23

I'm done with maling acce[tions,
I'm sick of making mistakes
I'm sorry I let you down
But it has to be this way

I know I'm not a good friend,
but I'm coming back
I just mis you,
but I know I'm going to change

Please don't forgett me
like I have to you,
I know I'm a hypocrite
But so are you.

-need I explain?-

Freshman Year #22

Four and a half hours
until I go home
Four and a half hours
until I reach my keyboard
Four and a half hours
until I see my family
Four and a half hours
until I escape these judgmental beady eyes
Four and a half hours
until I talk to them
Four and a half hours
until I'm alone
Four and a half hours
until I have to fight addictions
Four and a half hours
until I'm free
Four and a half hours
and surprisingly,
I'm okay with that.


-written in bio about a week before attempting suicide for the second time-

Freshman Year #21

Another day,
Another class,
Nothing special,
Nothing sad,
Nothing happy
bit I'm still depressed for reasons unknown

My mind is not healthy,
It is ot fun,
It thinks things I would rather not mention.
I don't like what I see,
I don't like what I hear,
Again and again
I try to get away
Time and time again
I get sucked into your never leaving arms.

Let me leave
Let me live without you
I start to get away,
and everytime you pull me closer,
and the scars keep coming.


-about three fairly easy topics to desipher, and then if you get bored one day you cann try and find the fourth, but I wouldn't worry about it to much-

Freshman Year #20, also known as Dancing Winds

A Blank Space
Open notebook
waiting for ideas to flow to me,
waiting, swaying,
nervouse for whats coming.
Take in stride,
Wait through the storm.

Take me away,
The sun will shine through hazel walls
You send me through wonders,
Another chance to make this right,
I'm dying to see you

Another page to this open notebook,
Another phrase to this never ending song,
Another line to random poem
Trying to explain my time

I wonder why,
clouds wont fade.
I hold on tight,
to this world of make beleive,
Just don't forgett what I taught
Just don't forgett about me

Another page to this open notebook,
Another phrase to this never ending song,
Another line to random poem
Trying to explain my thoughts,

See me through the haze
You can help me through
Be their for me
Help me through

Another page to this open notebook,
Another phrase to this never ending song,
Another line to random poem
Trying to explain my life

A blank space,
Open notebook,
Just waiting for
Ideas to flow



-A song about writing a song-

Freshman Year #19

Music runs through my mind,
I sing along to the welcoming tune,
My distraction, My life
I escaping into the life I call my own.
I'm releasing my mind through sound of sorrow
This is what makes me live
I sing depressing songs,
I write depressing poetry,
I think depressing thoughts,
You think I am happy.
You are right,
for the most part.
or maybe you're compleatly wrong
You dicide

Freshman Year #18

I wish you would notice
I wish you would help.
I give you the waring signs
I want youto notice.

Bleeding eyes and a straining heart,
Don't you think you've had enough?
I miss you with my heart and soul
I want so bad to just let go.

I hold ontothese walls of steel
Only so lonng til the world takes me 6 feet under.
Break down these walls.
Let the river out
Let me live
No more steal.
No more hazel traps.

You think you see me,
You don't.
You know nothing.
If you ever wanted to see me,
don't hurt me.
But that will never happen.

-About Maddie and my friendship after I came to a realization with myself.-

Freshman Year #17

I'mnot welcome near you,
I'm trying not tochange,
I'm trying to be friends with you,
I'm just not the same.

I have done shit,
I've never thought I would,
You were there with me,
Unlike now, you cared.

But now I'm throwing my life away,
and you don't even care.
I miss my best friend,
I wish this wouldn't end.
They ask me why I guard myself,
Especially whe I'm around you.

I miss you,
But I wish you wouldn't insult me.
I know I'll never change you,
But it's really getting old.

I know I mean nothing to you,
although I wish I would
I'm calling out for help now,
but you will never see.

I'm asking all the friends you hurt,
but you'll neversee.
I'm asking one specific one,
for she could help the most.

I wish Icould go to you for advice,
but that will never see.
Turn everyone against me,
but you're my leaste concern.

I want to be friends with you,
But I have changed.
You didn't seem to mind though,
You were there to.

-referring to Maddie and my friendship-

Freshman Year #16

Me and you are best friends,
Your always there forme
you make me feel loved.

But why do you have to hold me so tight,
and never let go,
17 months and counting,
Your grip on me is loosening,
but I keep holding on.

I don't care what happens to me,
I really don't.
Just as long as I have someone to talk to.


-This is obviousely about anorexia. I turned to it to basically test to see if anybody would help me. Attenchion whore? Yea. I'm going to guess that the last line refers to Maddie seeing as how she was dating Kevin-

Freshman Year #15

Don't bother trying tostop me
I know what's best for me
You may think I'm stupid,
I know what's best for me.

I can deal with the consequences.
The fainting, weakness, blackouts
I've delt with them for 17 months,
I know what's best for me.

Don't orry about me,
I know how to take care of myself
I'll do what I have to do,
No matter what.

I'm not silent this time,
I'm letting the signs show
I want help.
But nobody wants to
obody knows how.
I know whats best for me.

-This started out as a suicide letter, seeing as how it was written the day after I tried to commit suicide, and that night I tried binging and self injured I want to say 13 times, but one didnt take. This was the night I got scars on my ancles that are still there today. First Stanza was written in Reading, the rest in Bio-

Freshman Year #14

I can't make this on my own
I miss my best friend,
I'm trying all I can
I honestly am

You don't feel what I do,
your not the same
neither am I
I just miss you,
We never talk anymore,
as ifwe did frmothe start,
I just miss you

I don't know what I did,
But go ahead and yell at me.

Please come back,
you can't hiide forever
I miss you,
and I want to be
your friendat your wedding,
ot some random chick

Please just be my friend.
You will yel at me,
I will yell at you.
We know why,
But we make it through,
I'm here for you,
I'll help you all I can
You're forgetting me.
Let me be me.

-God damn. Really? -smacks old self across the face- this was written in biology after me and Maddie got into a fight, when things were going south. I was being the biggest push over of all time. God damn though. I forgott how much I covered her faults with my own.-

Freshman Year #13

Hide your bleedingn eyes from the crowd
fake a smile, maybe they won't notice
Humans are easy to fool,
Or don't know how toreact ot my acting,
I'm trying to fool you,
but I'm really fooling myself.
You make me so happy,
but I'm tricking myself into depression.
You think I'm the cutest thing to live
I'm really not,
but you don't need to know that.

-Written after school/ on the bus, referring to the first time I was going out with Kevin and was trying to hide my fear of being loved with depression. About a week later we broke up-

Freshman Year #12

I love writing

Love how words flow
Over some paper
Very much unique
Everything has a meaning

You may not see the hidden message
Or even recognize what is being said
Usually that is the case

-Another failed attempt at a poem like Sam L. This was writen in Im pretty sure biology but something else. English? -

Freshman Year #11

You write to write,
You write to tell a story
You write to get your point proven
You write to express yourself
You write to speak your emotions
You write to speak the unspoken.

I write for these reasons,
I write to tell my story
I write songs, poetry, useful lines,
I have meaning in my work.

Something so simple,
Can mean so much.


-Written in reading after being questioned on my poetry. The last line is referring to how writing can save somebodys life, referring to a previouse friends hospital stay for suicide-

Freshman Year #10

I'm sick of being sad
I'm sick of giving pitty
I'm sick of dealing with drama
I'm sick of pretending
I'm sick of lying
I'm sick of people
I'm sick of guys
I'm sick of being told what to do
I'm sick of douches
I'm going to do something about it.
I'm going to be happy
I'm going to stop giving pitty
I'm going to ignore drmaa
I'm going to be real
I'm going to be truthful.
I'm going to ignore people
I'm going to bitchout men who piss me off.

I'm going to, starting now.

Freshman Year #9

Me and you are fire and ice,
frozen and still
Lively and dangerous
Together we explode,
shatter glass.
We blend,
Change colors,
Swirl around
Dance and burn,
Smokey mixtures fill the air.

But we burn out,
and then their's broken glass,
spilled wax,
and smoke.

None of that matter ever matters,
The beauty of smoke and ice,
Makes everthing else,
seem Aflamed.



-After Jens party in reading class-

Freshman Year #8

Oh so many ongs,
Galloping through my mind.

If only the songs could block
every other thought
every other person
every other problum

Freshman Year #7

This isn't another sappy love songs,
a poem about a lost soul,
this isn't about fitting in
or standing out

This isn't about what shoes I wear
Hell if I care
I actually like having meaning
So it's about a broken heart

I dont think so
So what is this about?

Maybe a lost puppy
Even a cheer leader could figure that's not it.

Honestly,
I don't even know.

I just know,
It means something

The purpose is just hidden.


-Ah yes, A contradictory poem that comes across as nothing of importance but means a great deal. This is when I didn't sleep freshman year because of nightmares, so bare with me for the next like 15 or so.-

Freshman year #6

Everything is average,
What can a girl do to be special
What do you want from me?

Like I want to be another face?
I would like to be something better than average.
For now at leaste
Evetually something will change.



-Hehe. I think I wrote this after I read Sam L. Poem in play, look at every first letter of each line-

Freshman Year #5

Find the place where you feel safe
I want youto be happy
Not that I'm helping
Don't stick around, Have fun.

Here, beleive me as I say,
Eventually something unusual will occure
Right now though, everything is okay

Freshman Year #4

Find that middle ground,
Find that place where everything
is exactly like the next

Find that middle ground,
where nothing matters.
and nothing stands out.

Find me.

Freshman Year #3

Just your average girl,
nothing special,
nothing unique or diffrent,
nothing at all

A bit hurt,
has some problums,
but doesn't everybody?
Yes mine maybe considered pathetic,
but that is only because I don't speak.

I don't speak the true problum.
I don't speak others problums.
I don't speak the entire truth.

What you don't hear,
isn't important.

Freshman year #2

Circle Cirle
Dot Dot
Now you have the coody shot

I think my shot wore off,
maybe that's why nobody talks to me

Freshman Year #1

these oh so perfect times,
These lines "This will be the best part of your life" applies we.
Theirs school,
Theirs financial,
Theirs family,
Theirs friends,
Theirs freakish phobias,
Theirs relationships,
Thiers judgment,
Thiers lies,
Thiers truth,
Thiers relgiion,

And they still wonder whats wrong

Freshman Year Opening.

I just found my freshman notebook, and dicided I should post the poems in it, seeing as how it doesn't matter anymore if the people the poems are about read them because their's nothing they can do about it. So the titles will go Freshman Year #1, if they dont have that title, with respective numbers that is, assume its recent.


-Just a heads up, they are mainly about Self injury, Anorexia, heart break, and a friendship ending, and the rest are cover stories for my mind so I would have to face the truth on certian subjects that quite frankly shouldn't bother you, so I suggest reading those and moving on becuase well, you will be failrky dissapointe in them-