Sitting cross legged in her comfortable attire, she waits until nightfall.
Shattered glass and pounding footsteps.
My story begins.
They come upstairs looking in all places I may be hiding.
I know I should feel scared, threatened, helpless;
But the tears rolling down my cheeks are of relief.
Anything could be better than the way I feel, the life I'm living.
Not even an ounce of restraint as they lock me away.
A day, a week, a month, away from this hell I call home, my deepest desire fulfilled.
Not a drop of remorse as they skin my innocence away from my body,
Not a tear of sadness as the girl I once knew disappeared
No emotion at all, my body is gone in the wind with my soul and burdens
A clean slate, no scratches, nothing in existence
A blank mind,
A forbidden hope to be free, if only for a moments rest.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
A breath for a moments pass
For it is at night that the monster in me is released,
all control in my body vanished.
Nobody can save me from the hole I keep digging.
Just keep digging,
make me larger while I wither away into a person I have yet to meet.
Ticking clocks ding fast, the air will not pass.
Sleep tight young one for tomorrow shall not come.
So long,
So Far,
Good night.
And that my friend is called BSing a quote for a Macbeth paper. :)
all control in my body vanished.
Nobody can save me from the hole I keep digging.
Just keep digging,
make me larger while I wither away into a person I have yet to meet.
Ticking clocks ding fast, the air will not pass.
Sleep tight young one for tomorrow shall not come.
So long,
So Far,
Good night.
And that my friend is called BSing a quote for a Macbeth paper. :)
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,0. Then what?
Bouncing up and down,
This is where we belong.
Pure Innocence Laughter
10 little monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Momma came in and the doctor said,
No more little monkeys jumping on the bed.
We all know that this doesn't happen.
Soon their are 8 little monkeys,
Then seven.
The clouds surrounding turn hard,
The white purity turns murderouse and red.
Young turns to old,
Smiles to tears.
And then there was one monkey jumping on the bed,
watching his friends bleeding and dying on the floor surrounding him,
turning his white clouds red.
Why did this happen?
Why didn't I listen?
Why do I deserve this treatment?
And then there were no little monkeys jumping on the bed.
This is where we belong.
Pure Innocence Laughter
10 little monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Momma came in and the doctor said,
No more little monkeys jumping on the bed.
We all know that this doesn't happen.
Soon their are 8 little monkeys,
Then seven.
The clouds surrounding turn hard,
The white purity turns murderouse and red.
Young turns to old,
Smiles to tears.
And then there was one monkey jumping on the bed,
watching his friends bleeding and dying on the floor surrounding him,
turning his white clouds red.
Why did this happen?
Why didn't I listen?
Why do I deserve this treatment?
And then there were no little monkeys jumping on the bed.
Monday, November 8, 2010
BFHD. Suck it.
My mental health is more important than a grade.
My sanity is my prioriy.
I can only focas on them for so long,
I need to focas on me sometimes.
For those who don't accept my decision
can suck my big fat hairy dick.
Yes, I'm referring to you,
Suck it.
-end rant-
My sanity is my prioriy.
I can only focas on them for so long,
I need to focas on me sometimes.
For those who don't accept my decision
can suck my big fat hairy dick.
Yes, I'm referring to you,
Suck it.
-end rant-
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
The heart whispers "Why not"
The lights are on me,
The walls hide my tearing eyes.
Carefull not to make a sound of weakness,
The internal conflict starts.
Why did he break my heart?
Maybe if I was skinnier,
Why can't I get a chance?
Am I really that unlovable,
untouchable, unthinkable?
Why am I still talking to you?
Why are my parents still fighting?
Why can't I meet my freedom?
Where is the light in this tunnel?
Questions and stories flood my mind,
Memories that left me scared and unkind.
Where is the justice to this madness?
Since when was this sadness?
My phone rings, a text from him.
But what is next to my phone?
I white little cap on top of a razor.
A little white cap on the eversharp blades.
I wonder what it would feel like,
That little white cap.
What it would be like,
to make my blood turn red.
It has to help the broken heart somehow,
Why else would they do it.
It has to make the fighting stop,
Have you seen thier scars?
Time goes by.
First in seconds,
Minutes,
Hours.
He says good night.
I say good morning.
And with a new life in mind,
I pick up the little white cap.
Holding it in between my warm fingers,
I place it against my left index.
I make a small line that soon faded.
No! I say out loud,
The whole world can see.
I turn up the tv,
I put down the razor.
I can say I have.
30 minutes go by,
I still am wondering why?
So many questions fill my brain,
viciouse venom in my veins,
The monster is released.
White cap in hand,
Oh that white cap.
Ever so sharp turning dull,
Never deep dispite my effort,
Forever there, my deepest comfort.
The walls hide my tearing eyes.
Carefull not to make a sound of weakness,
The internal conflict starts.
Why did he break my heart?
Maybe if I was skinnier,
Why can't I get a chance?
Am I really that unlovable,
untouchable, unthinkable?
Why am I still talking to you?
Why are my parents still fighting?
Why can't I meet my freedom?
Where is the light in this tunnel?
Questions and stories flood my mind,
Memories that left me scared and unkind.
Where is the justice to this madness?
Since when was this sadness?
My phone rings, a text from him.
But what is next to my phone?
I white little cap on top of a razor.
A little white cap on the eversharp blades.
I wonder what it would feel like,
That little white cap.
What it would be like,
to make my blood turn red.
It has to help the broken heart somehow,
Why else would they do it.
It has to make the fighting stop,
Have you seen thier scars?
Time goes by.
First in seconds,
Minutes,
Hours.
He says good night.
I say good morning.
And with a new life in mind,
I pick up the little white cap.
Holding it in between my warm fingers,
I place it against my left index.
I make a small line that soon faded.
No! I say out loud,
The whole world can see.
I turn up the tv,
I put down the razor.
I can say I have.
30 minutes go by,
I still am wondering why?
So many questions fill my brain,
viciouse venom in my veins,
The monster is released.
White cap in hand,
Oh that white cap.
Ever so sharp turning dull,
Never deep dispite my effort,
Forever there, my deepest comfort.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Never Dying Love.
I step into the darkness,
Into a face of tear stained cheeks.
A warm embrace,
A fimiliar face.
I told her the secret,
in which I bore for two years.
She saved my life.
I promised,
We cried.
We love.
One of the hardest things is loosing family.
But I'm not loosing her,
Just placing her in my heart.
Into a face of tear stained cheeks.
A warm embrace,
A fimiliar face.
I told her the secret,
in which I bore for two years.
She saved my life.
I promised,
We cried.
We love.
One of the hardest things is loosing family.
But I'm not loosing her,
Just placing her in my heart.
Last March
Tears rolling down our cheeks,
A drum beating on the odds.
This is the life we chose,
This is the time we loved,
This is the moment we will remember.
These ever turning seasons have been amazing,
These never failing tears,
Never ending bloodstains coat the world around us.
The stench we learned to love.
These are the hardest,
But the best of times.
So we march into the darkness.
Shakos backwards,
For we are the victoriouse,
Unaware of the final outcome of the night.
Shoulders moving,
Always united by the drum.
Feet clicking,
Slower then usual,
Embracing the tears.
This is our last march.
This is our last time.
This is ours.
Reminising on the good and bad,
Reliving the still beating.
This is our time.
We deserved it.
A drum beating on the odds.
This is the life we chose,
This is the time we loved,
This is the moment we will remember.
These ever turning seasons have been amazing,
These never failing tears,
Never ending bloodstains coat the world around us.
The stench we learned to love.
These are the hardest,
But the best of times.
So we march into the darkness.
Shakos backwards,
For we are the victoriouse,
Unaware of the final outcome of the night.
Shoulders moving,
Always united by the drum.
Feet clicking,
Slower then usual,
Embracing the tears.
This is our last march.
This is our last time.
This is ours.
Reminising on the good and bad,
Reliving the still beating.
This is our time.
We deserved it.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Freshman Year #30
I miss the way we would stay up all night talking,
dreaming up plans for when I would become beautiful.
Perfect skin, teethe, and body.
I want to be the girl I've always drempt about.
I'm growing my hair like her,
I'm trying all I can to be like her,
But I want onne change,
I want to be happy.
dreaming up plans for when I would become beautiful.
Perfect skin, teethe, and body.
I want to be the girl I've always drempt about.
I'm growing my hair like her,
I'm trying all I can to be like her,
But I want onne change,
I want to be happy.
Freshman Year #29
-Just a forewarning, the next 4 are linked to anorexia-
We can work this out,
don't leave me.
I mean it when I say I love you,
Please don't forgett me.
Wrap me in your loving arms,
eat away my body until I become you
Please don't leave me,
I want you to stay
Please make me feel healthy again
I don't like feeling weak
I know I've been a real bad girl
-skips this line-
Please don't leave me,
Please don't forgett,
We've been together 17 months
Theirs no reason to stop.
Wrap me in your loving arms,
make me beautiful.
-I was in I want to say Reading? At this point I was already anorexic for 21 months, which tells me that this was actually about somebody else, but I tried to convince myself other wise-
We can work this out,
don't leave me.
I mean it when I say I love you,
Please don't forgett me.
Wrap me in your loving arms,
eat away my body until I become you
Please don't leave me,
I want you to stay
Please make me feel healthy again
I don't like feeling weak
I know I've been a real bad girl
-skips this line-
Please don't leave me,
Please don't forgett,
We've been together 17 months
Theirs no reason to stop.
Wrap me in your loving arms,
make me beautiful.
-I was in I want to say Reading? At this point I was already anorexic for 21 months, which tells me that this was actually about somebody else, but I tried to convince myself other wise-
Freshman Year #28
I've been glancing your way,
maybe you noticed,
probably not,
you're talking to her
so you're probably not noticing me
Oh well,
Your loss
-Yea, I have no idea who this is about, I was basically staring at everybody in drivers ed during the video becuase I had way to much anxiety going on-
maybe you noticed,
probably not,
you're talking to her
so you're probably not noticing me
Oh well,
Your loss
-Yea, I have no idea who this is about, I was basically staring at everybody in drivers ed during the video becuase I had way to much anxiety going on-
Freshman Year #27
I can see you glance my way,
don't think about anything.
You hurt my best friend,
I don't like you,
I don't respect you,
I don't want to talk to you.
You hurt her,
You have a bad place in my book.
Fix things with her,
You don't realize how great she is.
Guys don't know a good thing if it slaps them in the face.
Proove me wrong.
Fix it.
-About Erin and Joe-
don't think about anything.
You hurt my best friend,
I don't like you,
I don't respect you,
I don't want to talk to you.
You hurt her,
You have a bad place in my book.
Fix things with her,
You don't realize how great she is.
Guys don't know a good thing if it slaps them in the face.
Proove me wrong.
Fix it.
-About Erin and Joe-
Freshman Year #25 and #26
I don't feel like typing it out, its basically three pages of me ranting about how math is stupid and that I will kill something before I fail.
FY 26 is the same thing as #25, only it sums it up in a paragraph, only I go on to say math is not logical what so ever and it will be the death of me.
FY 26 is the same thing as #25, only it sums it up in a paragraph, only I go on to say math is not logical what so ever and it will be the death of me.
Freshman Year #24
I know I'm a selfish fake,
but you're not a true friend.
You mean harm for me,
you don't care
you don't love me,
I keep coming back to you,
I don't know why.
You make me feel loved,
You make me feel special
You make me feel healthy,
even when I'm falling to the ground.
I know you mean well,
and I'm going to stay with you
but make the pain stop.
I can only handel so much on my heart
Yet I always manage to keep you in it
I'm not worried if you leave me.
I know you will return
You will never leave,
You promised.
-About anorexia-
but you're not a true friend.
You mean harm for me,
you don't care
you don't love me,
I keep coming back to you,
I don't know why.
You make me feel loved,
You make me feel special
You make me feel healthy,
even when I'm falling to the ground.
I know you mean well,
and I'm going to stay with you
but make the pain stop.
I can only handel so much on my heart
Yet I always manage to keep you in it
I'm not worried if you leave me.
I know you will return
You will never leave,
You promised.
-About anorexia-
Freshman Year #23
I'm done with maling acce[tions,
I'm sick of making mistakes
I'm sorry I let you down
But it has to be this way
I know I'm not a good friend,
but I'm coming back
I just mis you,
but I know I'm going to change
Please don't forgett me
like I have to you,
I know I'm a hypocrite
But so are you.
-need I explain?-
I'm sick of making mistakes
I'm sorry I let you down
But it has to be this way
I know I'm not a good friend,
but I'm coming back
I just mis you,
but I know I'm going to change
Please don't forgett me
like I have to you,
I know I'm a hypocrite
But so are you.
-need I explain?-
Freshman Year #22
Four and a half hours
until I go home
Four and a half hours
until I reach my keyboard
Four and a half hours
until I see my family
Four and a half hours
until I escape these judgmental beady eyes
Four and a half hours
until I talk to them
Four and a half hours
until I'm alone
Four and a half hours
until I have to fight addictions
Four and a half hours
until I'm free
Four and a half hours
and surprisingly,
I'm okay with that.
-written in bio about a week before attempting suicide for the second time-
until I go home
Four and a half hours
until I reach my keyboard
Four and a half hours
until I see my family
Four and a half hours
until I escape these judgmental beady eyes
Four and a half hours
until I talk to them
Four and a half hours
until I'm alone
Four and a half hours
until I have to fight addictions
Four and a half hours
until I'm free
Four and a half hours
and surprisingly,
I'm okay with that.
-written in bio about a week before attempting suicide for the second time-
Freshman Year #21
Another day,
Another class,
Nothing special,
Nothing sad,
Nothing happy
bit I'm still depressed for reasons unknown
My mind is not healthy,
It is ot fun,
It thinks things I would rather not mention.
I don't like what I see,
I don't like what I hear,
Again and again
I try to get away
Time and time again
I get sucked into your never leaving arms.
Let me leave
Let me live without you
I start to get away,
and everytime you pull me closer,
and the scars keep coming.
-about three fairly easy topics to desipher, and then if you get bored one day you cann try and find the fourth, but I wouldn't worry about it to much-
Another class,
Nothing special,
Nothing sad,
Nothing happy
bit I'm still depressed for reasons unknown
My mind is not healthy,
It is ot fun,
It thinks things I would rather not mention.
I don't like what I see,
I don't like what I hear,
Again and again
I try to get away
Time and time again
I get sucked into your never leaving arms.
Let me leave
Let me live without you
I start to get away,
and everytime you pull me closer,
and the scars keep coming.
-about three fairly easy topics to desipher, and then if you get bored one day you cann try and find the fourth, but I wouldn't worry about it to much-
Freshman Year #20, also known as Dancing Winds
A Blank Space
Open notebook
waiting for ideas to flow to me,
waiting, swaying,
nervouse for whats coming.
Take in stride,
Wait through the storm.
Take me away,
The sun will shine through hazel walls
You send me through wonders,
Another chance to make this right,
I'm dying to see you
Another page to this open notebook,
Another phrase to this never ending song,
Another line to random poem
Trying to explain my time
I wonder why,
clouds wont fade.
I hold on tight,
to this world of make beleive,
Just don't forgett what I taught
Just don't forgett about me
Another page to this open notebook,
Another phrase to this never ending song,
Another line to random poem
Trying to explain my thoughts,
See me through the haze
You can help me through
Be their for me
Help me through
Another page to this open notebook,
Another phrase to this never ending song,
Another line to random poem
Trying to explain my life
A blank space,
Open notebook,
Just waiting for
Ideas to flow
-A song about writing a song-
Open notebook
waiting for ideas to flow to me,
waiting, swaying,
nervouse for whats coming.
Take in stride,
Wait through the storm.
Take me away,
The sun will shine through hazel walls
You send me through wonders,
Another chance to make this right,
I'm dying to see you
Another page to this open notebook,
Another phrase to this never ending song,
Another line to random poem
Trying to explain my time
I wonder why,
clouds wont fade.
I hold on tight,
to this world of make beleive,
Just don't forgett what I taught
Just don't forgett about me
Another page to this open notebook,
Another phrase to this never ending song,
Another line to random poem
Trying to explain my thoughts,
See me through the haze
You can help me through
Be their for me
Help me through
Another page to this open notebook,
Another phrase to this never ending song,
Another line to random poem
Trying to explain my life
A blank space,
Open notebook,
Just waiting for
Ideas to flow
-A song about writing a song-
Freshman Year #19
Music runs through my mind,
I sing along to the welcoming tune,
My distraction, My life
I escaping into the life I call my own.
I'm releasing my mind through sound of sorrow
This is what makes me live
I sing depressing songs,
I write depressing poetry,
I think depressing thoughts,
You think I am happy.
You are right,
for the most part.
or maybe you're compleatly wrong
You dicide
I sing along to the welcoming tune,
My distraction, My life
I escaping into the life I call my own.
I'm releasing my mind through sound of sorrow
This is what makes me live
I sing depressing songs,
I write depressing poetry,
I think depressing thoughts,
You think I am happy.
You are right,
for the most part.
or maybe you're compleatly wrong
You dicide
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Freshman Year #18
I wish you would notice
I wish you would help.
I give you the waring signs
I want youto notice.
Bleeding eyes and a straining heart,
Don't you think you've had enough?
I miss you with my heart and soul
I want so bad to just let go.
I hold ontothese walls of steel
Only so lonng til the world takes me 6 feet under.
Break down these walls.
Let the river out
Let me live
No more steal.
No more hazel traps.
You think you see me,
You don't.
You know nothing.
If you ever wanted to see me,
don't hurt me.
But that will never happen.
-About Maddie and my friendship after I came to a realization with myself.-
I wish you would help.
I give you the waring signs
I want youto notice.
Bleeding eyes and a straining heart,
Don't you think you've had enough?
I miss you with my heart and soul
I want so bad to just let go.
I hold ontothese walls of steel
Only so lonng til the world takes me 6 feet under.
Break down these walls.
Let the river out
Let me live
No more steal.
No more hazel traps.
You think you see me,
You don't.
You know nothing.
If you ever wanted to see me,
don't hurt me.
But that will never happen.
-About Maddie and my friendship after I came to a realization with myself.-
Freshman Year #17
I'mnot welcome near you,
I'm trying not tochange,
I'm trying to be friends with you,
I'm just not the same.
I have done shit,
I've never thought I would,
You were there with me,
Unlike now, you cared.
But now I'm throwing my life away,
and you don't even care.
I miss my best friend,
I wish this wouldn't end.
They ask me why I guard myself,
Especially whe I'm around you.
I miss you,
But I wish you wouldn't insult me.
I know I'll never change you,
But it's really getting old.
I know I mean nothing to you,
although I wish I would
I'm calling out for help now,
but you will never see.
I'm asking all the friends you hurt,
but you'll neversee.
I'm asking one specific one,
for she could help the most.
I wish Icould go to you for advice,
but that will never see.
Turn everyone against me,
but you're my leaste concern.
I want to be friends with you,
But I have changed.
You didn't seem to mind though,
You were there to.
-referring to Maddie and my friendship-
I'm trying not tochange,
I'm trying to be friends with you,
I'm just not the same.
I have done shit,
I've never thought I would,
You were there with me,
Unlike now, you cared.
But now I'm throwing my life away,
and you don't even care.
I miss my best friend,
I wish this wouldn't end.
They ask me why I guard myself,
Especially whe I'm around you.
I miss you,
But I wish you wouldn't insult me.
I know I'll never change you,
But it's really getting old.
I know I mean nothing to you,
although I wish I would
I'm calling out for help now,
but you will never see.
I'm asking all the friends you hurt,
but you'll neversee.
I'm asking one specific one,
for she could help the most.
I wish Icould go to you for advice,
but that will never see.
Turn everyone against me,
but you're my leaste concern.
I want to be friends with you,
But I have changed.
You didn't seem to mind though,
You were there to.
-referring to Maddie and my friendship-
Freshman Year #16
Me and you are best friends,
Your always there forme
you make me feel loved.
But why do you have to hold me so tight,
and never let go,
17 months and counting,
Your grip on me is loosening,
but I keep holding on.
I don't care what happens to me,
I really don't.
Just as long as I have someone to talk to.
-This is obviousely about anorexia. I turned to it to basically test to see if anybody would help me. Attenchion whore? Yea. I'm going to guess that the last line refers to Maddie seeing as how she was dating Kevin-
Your always there forme
you make me feel loved.
But why do you have to hold me so tight,
and never let go,
17 months and counting,
Your grip on me is loosening,
but I keep holding on.
I don't care what happens to me,
I really don't.
Just as long as I have someone to talk to.
-This is obviousely about anorexia. I turned to it to basically test to see if anybody would help me. Attenchion whore? Yea. I'm going to guess that the last line refers to Maddie seeing as how she was dating Kevin-
Freshman Year #15
Don't bother trying tostop me
I know what's best for me
You may think I'm stupid,
I know what's best for me.
I can deal with the consequences.
The fainting, weakness, blackouts
I've delt with them for 17 months,
I know what's best for me.
Don't orry about me,
I know how to take care of myself
I'll do what I have to do,
No matter what.
I'm not silent this time,
I'm letting the signs show
I want help.
But nobody wants to
obody knows how.
I know whats best for me.
-This started out as a suicide letter, seeing as how it was written the day after I tried to commit suicide, and that night I tried binging and self injured I want to say 13 times, but one didnt take. This was the night I got scars on my ancles that are still there today. First Stanza was written in Reading, the rest in Bio-
I know what's best for me
You may think I'm stupid,
I know what's best for me.
I can deal with the consequences.
The fainting, weakness, blackouts
I've delt with them for 17 months,
I know what's best for me.
Don't orry about me,
I know how to take care of myself
I'll do what I have to do,
No matter what.
I'm not silent this time,
I'm letting the signs show
I want help.
But nobody wants to
obody knows how.
I know whats best for me.
-This started out as a suicide letter, seeing as how it was written the day after I tried to commit suicide, and that night I tried binging and self injured I want to say 13 times, but one didnt take. This was the night I got scars on my ancles that are still there today. First Stanza was written in Reading, the rest in Bio-
Freshman Year #14
I can't make this on my own
I miss my best friend,
I'm trying all I can
I honestly am
You don't feel what I do,
your not the same
neither am I
I just miss you,
We never talk anymore,
as ifwe did frmothe start,
I just miss you
I don't know what I did,
But go ahead and yell at me.
Please come back,
you can't hiide forever
I miss you,
and I want to be
your friendat your wedding,
ot some random chick
Please just be my friend.
You will yel at me,
I will yell at you.
We know why,
But we make it through,
I'm here for you,
I'll help you all I can
You're forgetting me.
Let me be me.
-God damn. Really? -smacks old self across the face- this was written in biology after me and Maddie got into a fight, when things were going south. I was being the biggest push over of all time. God damn though. I forgott how much I covered her faults with my own.-
I miss my best friend,
I'm trying all I can
I honestly am
You don't feel what I do,
your not the same
neither am I
I just miss you,
We never talk anymore,
as ifwe did frmothe start,
I just miss you
I don't know what I did,
But go ahead and yell at me.
Please come back,
you can't hiide forever
I miss you,
and I want to be
your friendat your wedding,
ot some random chick
Please just be my friend.
You will yel at me,
I will yell at you.
We know why,
But we make it through,
I'm here for you,
I'll help you all I can
You're forgetting me.
Let me be me.
-God damn. Really? -smacks old self across the face- this was written in biology after me and Maddie got into a fight, when things were going south. I was being the biggest push over of all time. God damn though. I forgott how much I covered her faults with my own.-
Freshman Year #13
Hide your bleedingn eyes from the crowd
fake a smile, maybe they won't notice
Humans are easy to fool,
Or don't know how toreact ot my acting,
I'm trying to fool you,
but I'm really fooling myself.
You make me so happy,
but I'm tricking myself into depression.
You think I'm the cutest thing to live
I'm really not,
but you don't need to know that.
-Written after school/ on the bus, referring to the first time I was going out with Kevin and was trying to hide my fear of being loved with depression. About a week later we broke up-
fake a smile, maybe they won't notice
Humans are easy to fool,
Or don't know how toreact ot my acting,
I'm trying to fool you,
but I'm really fooling myself.
You make me so happy,
but I'm tricking myself into depression.
You think I'm the cutest thing to live
I'm really not,
but you don't need to know that.
-Written after school/ on the bus, referring to the first time I was going out with Kevin and was trying to hide my fear of being loved with depression. About a week later we broke up-
Freshman Year #12
I love writing
Love how words flow
Over some paper
Very much unique
Everything has a meaning
You may not see the hidden message
Or even recognize what is being said
Usually that is the case
-Another failed attempt at a poem like Sam L. This was writen in Im pretty sure biology but something else. English? -
Love how words flow
Over some paper
Very much unique
Everything has a meaning
You may not see the hidden message
Or even recognize what is being said
Usually that is the case
-Another failed attempt at a poem like Sam L. This was writen in Im pretty sure biology but something else. English? -
Freshman Year #11
You write to write,
You write to tell a story
You write to get your point proven
You write to express yourself
You write to speak your emotions
You write to speak the unspoken.
I write for these reasons,
I write to tell my story
I write songs, poetry, useful lines,
I have meaning in my work.
Something so simple,
Can mean so much.
-Written in reading after being questioned on my poetry. The last line is referring to how writing can save somebodys life, referring to a previouse friends hospital stay for suicide-
You write to tell a story
You write to get your point proven
You write to express yourself
You write to speak your emotions
You write to speak the unspoken.
I write for these reasons,
I write to tell my story
I write songs, poetry, useful lines,
I have meaning in my work.
Something so simple,
Can mean so much.
-Written in reading after being questioned on my poetry. The last line is referring to how writing can save somebodys life, referring to a previouse friends hospital stay for suicide-
Freshman Year #10
I'm sick of being sad
I'm sick of giving pitty
I'm sick of dealing with drama
I'm sick of pretending
I'm sick of lying
I'm sick of people
I'm sick of guys
I'm sick of being told what to do
I'm sick of douches
I'm going to do something about it.
I'm going to be happy
I'm going to stop giving pitty
I'm going to ignore drmaa
I'm going to be real
I'm going to be truthful.
I'm going to ignore people
I'm going to bitchout men who piss me off.
I'm going to, starting now.
I'm sick of giving pitty
I'm sick of dealing with drama
I'm sick of pretending
I'm sick of lying
I'm sick of people
I'm sick of guys
I'm sick of being told what to do
I'm sick of douches
I'm going to do something about it.
I'm going to be happy
I'm going to stop giving pitty
I'm going to ignore drmaa
I'm going to be real
I'm going to be truthful.
I'm going to ignore people
I'm going to bitchout men who piss me off.
I'm going to, starting now.
Freshman Year #9
Me and you are fire and ice,
frozen and still
Lively and dangerous
Together we explode,
shatter glass.
We blend,
Change colors,
Swirl around
Dance and burn,
Smokey mixtures fill the air.
But we burn out,
and then their's broken glass,
spilled wax,
and smoke.
None of that matter ever matters,
The beauty of smoke and ice,
Makes everthing else,
seem Aflamed.
-After Jens party in reading class-
frozen and still
Lively and dangerous
Together we explode,
shatter glass.
We blend,
Change colors,
Swirl around
Dance and burn,
Smokey mixtures fill the air.
But we burn out,
and then their's broken glass,
spilled wax,
and smoke.
None of that matter ever matters,
The beauty of smoke and ice,
Makes everthing else,
seem Aflamed.
-After Jens party in reading class-
Freshman Year #8
Oh so many ongs,
Galloping through my mind.
If only the songs could block
every other thought
every other person
every other problum
Galloping through my mind.
If only the songs could block
every other thought
every other person
every other problum
Freshman Year #7
This isn't another sappy love songs,
a poem about a lost soul,
this isn't about fitting in
or standing out
This isn't about what shoes I wear
Hell if I care
I actually like having meaning
So it's about a broken heart
I dont think so
So what is this about?
Maybe a lost puppy
Even a cheer leader could figure that's not it.
Honestly,
I don't even know.
I just know,
It means something
The purpose is just hidden.
-Ah yes, A contradictory poem that comes across as nothing of importance but means a great deal. This is when I didn't sleep freshman year because of nightmares, so bare with me for the next like 15 or so.-
a poem about a lost soul,
this isn't about fitting in
or standing out
This isn't about what shoes I wear
Hell if I care
I actually like having meaning
So it's about a broken heart
I dont think so
So what is this about?
Maybe a lost puppy
Even a cheer leader could figure that's not it.
Honestly,
I don't even know.
I just know,
It means something
The purpose is just hidden.
-Ah yes, A contradictory poem that comes across as nothing of importance but means a great deal. This is when I didn't sleep freshman year because of nightmares, so bare with me for the next like 15 or so.-
Freshman year #6
Everything is average,
What can a girl do to be special
What do you want from me?
Like I want to be another face?
I would like to be something better than average.
For now at leaste
Evetually something will change.
-Hehe. I think I wrote this after I read Sam L. Poem in play, look at every first letter of each line-
What can a girl do to be special
What do you want from me?
Like I want to be another face?
I would like to be something better than average.
For now at leaste
Evetually something will change.
-Hehe. I think I wrote this after I read Sam L. Poem in play, look at every first letter of each line-
Freshman Year #5
Find the place where you feel safe
I want youto be happy
Not that I'm helping
Don't stick around, Have fun.
Here, beleive me as I say,
Eventually something unusual will occure
Right now though, everything is okay
I want youto be happy
Not that I'm helping
Don't stick around, Have fun.
Here, beleive me as I say,
Eventually something unusual will occure
Right now though, everything is okay
Freshman Year #4
Find that middle ground,
Find that place where everything
is exactly like the next
Find that middle ground,
where nothing matters.
and nothing stands out.
Find me.
Find that place where everything
is exactly like the next
Find that middle ground,
where nothing matters.
and nothing stands out.
Find me.
Freshman Year #3
Just your average girl,
nothing special,
nothing unique or diffrent,
nothing at all
A bit hurt,
has some problums,
but doesn't everybody?
Yes mine maybe considered pathetic,
but that is only because I don't speak.
I don't speak the true problum.
I don't speak others problums.
I don't speak the entire truth.
What you don't hear,
isn't important.
nothing special,
nothing unique or diffrent,
nothing at all
A bit hurt,
has some problums,
but doesn't everybody?
Yes mine maybe considered pathetic,
but that is only because I don't speak.
I don't speak the true problum.
I don't speak others problums.
I don't speak the entire truth.
What you don't hear,
isn't important.
Freshman year #2
Circle Cirle
Dot Dot
Now you have the coody shot
I think my shot wore off,
maybe that's why nobody talks to me
Dot Dot
Now you have the coody shot
I think my shot wore off,
maybe that's why nobody talks to me
Freshman Year #1
these oh so perfect times,
These lines "This will be the best part of your life" applies we.
Theirs school,
Theirs financial,
Theirs family,
Theirs friends,
Theirs freakish phobias,
Theirs relationships,
Thiers judgment,
Thiers lies,
Thiers truth,
Thiers relgiion,
And they still wonder whats wrong
These lines "This will be the best part of your life" applies we.
Theirs school,
Theirs financial,
Theirs family,
Theirs friends,
Theirs freakish phobias,
Theirs relationships,
Thiers judgment,
Thiers lies,
Thiers truth,
Thiers relgiion,
And they still wonder whats wrong
Freshman Year Opening.
I just found my freshman notebook, and dicided I should post the poems in it, seeing as how it doesn't matter anymore if the people the poems are about read them because their's nothing they can do about it. So the titles will go Freshman Year #1, if they dont have that title, with respective numbers that is, assume its recent.
-Just a heads up, they are mainly about Self injury, Anorexia, heart break, and a friendship ending, and the rest are cover stories for my mind so I would have to face the truth on certian subjects that quite frankly shouldn't bother you, so I suggest reading those and moving on becuase well, you will be failrky dissapointe in them-
-Just a heads up, they are mainly about Self injury, Anorexia, heart break, and a friendship ending, and the rest are cover stories for my mind so I would have to face the truth on certian subjects that quite frankly shouldn't bother you, so I suggest reading those and moving on becuase well, you will be failrky dissapointe in them-
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
True love.
She steps out of the shower in a navy blue towel.
Hair in a bun, she starts getting ready for the days work.
It's a dark, chilly, autumn morning, around 5 am.
She hears the bathroom door creak open,
expecting the family dog, she sees her 3 year old daughter.
"Go back to sleep, you dont have to up for a half an hour."
Expecting to see her very confused daughter turn and walk away,
she asks, "What's that?"
The mother is stunned by this, seeing as how her daughter is pointing at a bottle of lotion, she herself has used plenty before.
"That there? That's lotion"
"Why?"
Pure curiosity is on her face.
"It's to make your skin as soft as an angels kiss"
The mom then takes about a dime of lotion and rubs it on her face and neck. She picks up a diffrent bottle of lotion for her arms and shoulders.
"Why did you change lotions?"
"Their's a diffrence in everything. Every person, every leaf,every snowflake is diffrent. Everything needs something diffrent then the next."
The little girl takes a seat and watches her mom smoothe in the lotion.
"What's that?"
The mother is holding a bottle of hairspray.
"This peices together all of the details. It holds everything in place."
"Why?"
"Everything has a purpose in life. This is a small stepping stone of the day. A minor detail that makes a diffrence."
The mother then takes out a Q-tip and cleans her ears.
"Why?"
"Well how else do you hear nature?"
With that the girl leaves.
She notices a small lavendar feather on the bathroom floor.
The mother takes down her hair, letting the soft waves essentiate her bright eyes.
She hears absolute silence, then a cricket in the backyard.
"Mommy, are you an angel?"
Soft tears run down both faces.
Hair in a bun, she starts getting ready for the days work.
It's a dark, chilly, autumn morning, around 5 am.
She hears the bathroom door creak open,
expecting the family dog, she sees her 3 year old daughter.
"Go back to sleep, you dont have to up for a half an hour."
Expecting to see her very confused daughter turn and walk away,
she asks, "What's that?"
The mother is stunned by this, seeing as how her daughter is pointing at a bottle of lotion, she herself has used plenty before.
"That there? That's lotion"
"Why?"
Pure curiosity is on her face.
"It's to make your skin as soft as an angels kiss"
The mom then takes about a dime of lotion and rubs it on her face and neck. She picks up a diffrent bottle of lotion for her arms and shoulders.
"Why did you change lotions?"
"Their's a diffrence in everything. Every person, every leaf,every snowflake is diffrent. Everything needs something diffrent then the next."
The little girl takes a seat and watches her mom smoothe in the lotion.
"What's that?"
The mother is holding a bottle of hairspray.
"This peices together all of the details. It holds everything in place."
"Why?"
"Everything has a purpose in life. This is a small stepping stone of the day. A minor detail that makes a diffrence."
The mother then takes out a Q-tip and cleans her ears.
"Why?"
"Well how else do you hear nature?"
With that the girl leaves.
She notices a small lavendar feather on the bathroom floor.
The mother takes down her hair, letting the soft waves essentiate her bright eyes.
She hears absolute silence, then a cricket in the backyard.
"Mommy, are you an angel?"
Soft tears run down both faces.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Wish After Failed Wish
Lucky Penny Lucky Penny,
I flip you one more time.
The cold metal in my palm,
Wishing to be fine.
I through you up,
watch you shine,
Spin with all your might.
Feel you land right where you belong.
Cold metal gone warm,
Anticipating results.
Just one last wish in distress.
Please.
Luckt Penny Lucky Penny
This is my one last time.
The warm metal in my hand,
Will I ever be fine?
I flip you one more time.
The cold metal in my palm,
Wishing to be fine.
I through you up,
watch you shine,
Spin with all your might.
Feel you land right where you belong.
Cold metal gone warm,
Anticipating results.
Just one last wish in distress.
Please.
Luckt Penny Lucky Penny
This is my one last time.
The warm metal in my hand,
Will I ever be fine?
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Somethings never change.
I always focas on changing now,
How much my life is diffrent,
About the girl I've become.
I always note others patterns,
How they repeat themselves,
I never note mine though.
My life has changed me in a lot of ways,
But I'm still the same.
I'm managing my time like I did when I was eight,
I still fantasize when I'm all alone and it's late.
I have those crazy dreams that I wish were fate.
I still questioned myself when I ate.
I still use music to satisfy my hunger.
I can't hold my breath for to much longer.
I still don't do as I'm told,
I guess I'm really not that old.
I learned how to sing and dance,
Most importantly I took a chance.
I learned that being in highschool really is my life,
I realize now that I was worth the fight.
"Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?" Landslide, Dixie Chicks
How much my life is diffrent,
About the girl I've become.
I always note others patterns,
How they repeat themselves,
I never note mine though.
My life has changed me in a lot of ways,
But I'm still the same.
I'm managing my time like I did when I was eight,
I still fantasize when I'm all alone and it's late.
I have those crazy dreams that I wish were fate.
I still questioned myself when I ate.
I still use music to satisfy my hunger.
I can't hold my breath for to much longer.
I still don't do as I'm told,
I guess I'm really not that old.
I learned how to sing and dance,
Most importantly I took a chance.
I learned that being in highschool really is my life,
I realize now that I was worth the fight.
"Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?" Landslide, Dixie Chicks
Saturday, September 4, 2010
A very odd entry that relates anorexia to a kick ass 6 month...
When people think anorexia,
They think skinny girls.
Skin and bones.
Fragile.
Models.
Rarely do they think average girls.
Or guys for that matter.
Healthy looking,
or obese.
When people think 6 month,
They think horney teenagers,
Who dont know what love is.
They think sex.
They don't think painting a purgula.
Or eating mexican food.
Or book shopping.
Or falling asleep in his arms.
I'm not sure why that is.
But it is always fun to go against the typical stereotype :)
Granted, my stereotypes may be diffrent than others,
I just find mexican food more entertaining :)
They think skinny girls.
Skin and bones.
Fragile.
Models.
Rarely do they think average girls.
Or guys for that matter.
Healthy looking,
or obese.
When people think 6 month,
They think horney teenagers,
Who dont know what love is.
They think sex.
They don't think painting a purgula.
Or eating mexican food.
Or book shopping.
Or falling asleep in his arms.
I'm not sure why that is.
But it is always fun to go against the typical stereotype :)
Granted, my stereotypes may be diffrent than others,
I just find mexican food more entertaining :)
Monday, August 16, 2010
-rant-
What I don't understand is why she teaches.
How would the school let her be around children,
She can't even take care of her own.
What I don't understand is why she hurts.
Why would you hurt others to bring you up.
News flash: It doesnt give you magical powers of wonders to hurt others.
It just makes you look bad,
Not to mention a little thing called PTSD.
She causes her own daughters to have it.
You know something is wrong with the household when:
A)2 out of 3, if not all 3 daughters, had seriouse suicidal thoughts to the point of hospitalization
B)2 out of three daughters smoke(d)
C)When alcohol lays around in large quantities.
D)After inccidents involving alcolhol, the alcohol was not locked away.
E)When 3 out of 3 daughters suffer from PTSD
F)When 3 out of 3 daughters suffer(ed) from self injury
G)When at leaste 2 out of 3 daughters suffer from low self esteem.
Must I go on, for this list shall never end.
I just can't get over the fact that her mother is allowed to be around children everyday. I swear that can not be safe.
From what I understand she left bruises on the youngests neck,
Does she not realize they will be there when school starts, and that her daughter is full of hatred because of said inccodent.
This time around, I really hope she speaks out while she has the marks to proove it.
How would the school let her be around children,
She can't even take care of her own.
What I don't understand is why she hurts.
Why would you hurt others to bring you up.
News flash: It doesnt give you magical powers of wonders to hurt others.
It just makes you look bad,
Not to mention a little thing called PTSD.
She causes her own daughters to have it.
You know something is wrong with the household when:
A)2 out of 3, if not all 3 daughters, had seriouse suicidal thoughts to the point of hospitalization
B)2 out of three daughters smoke(d)
C)When alcohol lays around in large quantities.
D)After inccidents involving alcolhol, the alcohol was not locked away.
E)When 3 out of 3 daughters suffer from PTSD
F)When 3 out of 3 daughters suffer(ed) from self injury
G)When at leaste 2 out of 3 daughters suffer from low self esteem.
Must I go on, for this list shall never end.
I just can't get over the fact that her mother is allowed to be around children everyday. I swear that can not be safe.
From what I understand she left bruises on the youngests neck,
Does she not realize they will be there when school starts, and that her daughter is full of hatred because of said inccodent.
This time around, I really hope she speaks out while she has the marks to proove it.
To an old friend in distress
2 words can sum it all
Life Sucks.
2,000 words in details though.
If you ever need somebody to listen to those 2,000 words,
My ears are open.
Even though I may not understand it all,
Sometimes its nice to talk to somebody who was there from the beginning.
I have no intenchion of anything more then we are now.
Aquaintances?
Thats a good word.
I'm sorry everything bad is happening at once,
You probably aren't dealing with it very well.
If you wont talk to me, Please go to the Sameritians.
I'm pretty sure you know them, but just in case.
For more information:
Samaritans provides confidential emotional support for people experiencing
feelings of distress and despair, including those which could lead to suicide.
Our mailbox is read every day by trained volunteers, using the name 'Jo'.
Messages are read and usually replied to within 12 hours.
Samaritans is a registered charity, number 219432. It is the co-ordinating body
for the 201 branches in the UK and Republic of Ireland, all of which are
constituted as independent registered charities (or the equivalent). A trained
Samaritan volunteer from one of the 201 branches has written this email
For more information about Samaritans visit: www.samaritans.org
Its fun to talk poetic to them,
-is lame-
Your not alone in this battle.
You have suport,
You have to be willing to ask for it though.
Hope to hear from you,
And if not,
Then I would hope you drink some connor :)
Life Sucks.
2,000 words in details though.
If you ever need somebody to listen to those 2,000 words,
My ears are open.
Even though I may not understand it all,
Sometimes its nice to talk to somebody who was there from the beginning.
I have no intenchion of anything more then we are now.
Aquaintances?
Thats a good word.
I'm sorry everything bad is happening at once,
You probably aren't dealing with it very well.
If you wont talk to me, Please go to the Sameritians.
I'm pretty sure you know them, but just in case.
For more information:
Samaritans provides confidential emotional support for people experiencing
feelings of distress and despair, including those which could lead to suicide.
Our mailbox is read every day by trained volunteers, using the name 'Jo'.
Messages are read and usually replied to within 12 hours.
Samaritans is a registered charity, number 219432. It is the co-ordinating body
for the 201 branches in the UK and Republic of Ireland, all of which are
constituted as independent registered charities (or the equivalent). A trained
Samaritan volunteer from one of the 201 branches has written this email
For more information about Samaritans visit: www.samaritans.org
Its fun to talk poetic to them,
-is lame-
Your not alone in this battle.
You have suport,
You have to be willing to ask for it though.
Hope to hear from you,
And if not,
Then I would hope you drink some connor :)
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Time for symbolism :)
Fade into the next,
Do what is best.
Don't let them know,
Don't let it show.
Hide the past with all your might,
Fight back into the night.
Cry yourself to sleep once more,
Try to turn your back to the door.
Breathe in one last breath,
Breathe in until death.
Don't let anything take over,
Let the tears flow over.
Up and down their voices go,
While yours stays at a simple monotone.
Show some emotion under the light,
Hold back with all your might.
I can't keep this up much longer,
I dare you to scream.
But you just sit there.
Just stare like you always do.
Bleeding eyes and a straining heart.
Those others wont ever see.
But just take that one last breathe,
That one last sip.
Let the rest just fade.
Fade one color into the next,
Do what is best for yourself.
Don't let them know the pain behind the blood
Don't let it show; they can't handle it.
Just sit there.
Stare like you always do.
But I wear the ring.
You can't take it from me.
Do what is best.
Don't let them know,
Don't let it show.
Hide the past with all your might,
Fight back into the night.
Cry yourself to sleep once more,
Try to turn your back to the door.
Breathe in one last breath,
Breathe in until death.
Don't let anything take over,
Let the tears flow over.
Up and down their voices go,
While yours stays at a simple monotone.
Show some emotion under the light,
Hold back with all your might.
I can't keep this up much longer,
I dare you to scream.
But you just sit there.
Just stare like you always do.
Bleeding eyes and a straining heart.
Those others wont ever see.
But just take that one last breathe,
That one last sip.
Let the rest just fade.
Fade one color into the next,
Do what is best for yourself.
Don't let them know the pain behind the blood
Don't let it show; they can't handle it.
Just sit there.
Stare like you always do.
But I wear the ring.
You can't take it from me.
Friday, July 2, 2010
125 days
The number 125 is a pretty large number, don't you think?
One hundred twenty-five.
125.
It's been 125 days,
since the last shake.
125 days,
since my heart break.
125 days,
since I let him down.
125 days,
since I turned around.
125 is a large number,
125 days is a long time.
125.
It's been 125 days,
since the last shake.
125 days,
since my heart break.
125 days,
since I let him down.
125 days,
since I turned around.
To think 126 days ago,
when it seems like 125 seconds ago.
It was the worst of the days,
but the best in some ways.
18 scars still stain my legs,
18 memories still flood my brain.
18 thoughts never scease to lie down,
18 more reasons to rise above.
It's been 125 days,
since the last shake.
125 days,
since my heart break.
125 days,
since I let him down.
125 days,
since I turned around.
Tommorow will be 126.
One hundred twenty-five.
125.
It's been 125 days,
since the last shake.
125 days,
since my heart break.
125 days,
since I let him down.
125 days,
since I turned around.
125 is a large number,
125 days is a long time.
125.
It's been 125 days,
since the last shake.
125 days,
since my heart break.
125 days,
since I let him down.
125 days,
since I turned around.
To think 126 days ago,
when it seems like 125 seconds ago.
It was the worst of the days,
but the best in some ways.
18 scars still stain my legs,
18 memories still flood my brain.
18 thoughts never scease to lie down,
18 more reasons to rise above.
It's been 125 days,
since the last shake.
125 days,
since my heart break.
125 days,
since I let him down.
125 days,
since I turned around.
Tommorow will be 126.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Brighten my day just that much.
Through it all, you remain beautiful.
No matter what you stay strong.
Even when you're about to fall,
just keep your chin up and bear through it.
Even if you don't think you can make it,
just know that somebody out their knows you can.
Somebody like me.
No matter what you stay strong.
Even when you're about to fall,
just keep your chin up and bear through it.
Even if you don't think you can make it,
just know that somebody out their knows you can.
Somebody like me.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Shes only 5 damn it.
It really pisses me off how you wont leave me alone.
Really, you're acting as if I'm a terrible person.
You think I do illegal actions.
No.
I don't.
My day wasn't great because of illegal substances or actions.
I went for a 6 mile walk with Kevin and we got to talk.
My day wasn't great because I fainted from lack of food.
Instead, it was great when I sat down and ate 1,000 calories.
My day wasn't great because of earth shaking sex,
I'm a virgin. Sorry to dissapoint.
People need to grow up so much.
I have a great day,
and they insist on ruining it.
It's one thing to do so on accident.
But purposfully putting me in a situation to strictly harm,
that's just cruel.
Haven't you caused enough harm to me.
Keep in your mind I'm a bad person,
It helps you sleep at night.
Please, not now though.
Not while the planets are fighting,
Not while the channels are filled with hate,
Not while the little girl cries.
Just hold off,
Not for me,
But for her.
She's only 5 years old.
She can't handel this too.
For her.
I know it a crazy concept of me caring about somebody else,
But please,
she can't take it.
Really, you're acting as if I'm a terrible person.
You think I do illegal actions.
No.
I don't.
My day wasn't great because of illegal substances or actions.
I went for a 6 mile walk with Kevin and we got to talk.
My day wasn't great because I fainted from lack of food.
Instead, it was great when I sat down and ate 1,000 calories.
My day wasn't great because of earth shaking sex,
I'm a virgin. Sorry to dissapoint.
People need to grow up so much.
I have a great day,
and they insist on ruining it.
It's one thing to do so on accident.
But purposfully putting me in a situation to strictly harm,
that's just cruel.
Haven't you caused enough harm to me.
Keep in your mind I'm a bad person,
It helps you sleep at night.
Please, not now though.
Not while the planets are fighting,
Not while the channels are filled with hate,
Not while the little girl cries.
Just hold off,
Not for me,
But for her.
She's only 5 years old.
She can't handel this too.
For her.
I know it a crazy concept of me caring about somebody else,
But please,
she can't take it.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
And I will accept it.
The old girl.
Jade Moonstar they called her.
She had a lot of issues.
Those issues got to her and she fell.
She changed then,
She started gripping tighter,
She was getting dry.
The weights seemed to get lighter.
But they pulled harder.
Jade Moonstar was not the same as before.
She had lost the connection to her name with the weight.
She needed more change.
She wanted to further her recovery,
Leave her past where it belongs.
She traded her identity for a new one.
A stronger one.
One that fits her personailty.
One that shows the indigo.
One that is her personality.
Aventine Lapis Lazuli was born.
Jade Moonstar was put in the memory box.
Aventine Lapis Lazuli:
Good luck,
Creative,
Smart,
Perceviance.
Healer,
Emotional and mental well being.
Stable for herself and others.
cleansing.
Can draw out inner truth and peace.
That name suites me better.
It's a new name,
a new beginning.
A change for the better.
It's me.
For with Michael's protection and love I can survive this.
With God and Goddess with me in hand and heart I can pull forward
With a great support system to which I care deeply for,
I can over come the many challenges that await me.
Aventurine Lapis Lazuli,
My future awaits.
Jade Moonstar they called her.
She had a lot of issues.
Those issues got to her and she fell.
She changed then,
She started gripping tighter,
She was getting dry.
The weights seemed to get lighter.
But they pulled harder.
Jade Moonstar was not the same as before.
She had lost the connection to her name with the weight.
She needed more change.
She wanted to further her recovery,
Leave her past where it belongs.
She traded her identity for a new one.
A stronger one.
One that fits her personailty.
One that shows the indigo.
One that is her personality.
Aventine Lapis Lazuli was born.
Jade Moonstar was put in the memory box.
Aventine Lapis Lazuli:
Good luck,
Creative,
Smart,
Perceviance.
Healer,
Emotional and mental well being.
Stable for herself and others.
cleansing.
Can draw out inner truth and peace.
That name suites me better.
It's a new name,
a new beginning.
A change for the better.
It's me.
For with Michael's protection and love I can survive this.
With God and Goddess with me in hand and heart I can pull forward
With a great support system to which I care deeply for,
I can over come the many challenges that await me.
Aventurine Lapis Lazuli,
My future awaits.
As Above So Below.
I guess some would say I'm better,
I guess some would say I'm stronger.
I guess some would say I'm powerful,
I guess some would say I'm better off without her.
But they don't get it.
They think I'm better then her, then them.
I'm not better, I'm equal.
They think I'm on a high horse,
Or I'm sitting on a thrown.
Then think I'm just an asshole,
Or a bitch or other foul words.
They seem to forgett that I'm not better,
I never thought I was.
I'm just equal,
I'm just the same as them.
Please can you just leave me alone.
I'm not going back to her.
If you want tips on how to help her,
I'll be glad to give,
I don't want you to hurt her.
If you need help on something when shes not there,
I'll try and help,
but thats where it stops.
I'm not going back.
Just one thing though,
Don't ask me how to trill the A flat I think in the parade tune.
I don't like that fingering so I don't do it.
This whole feud is getting really stupid.
We have to spend the next 3 years together.
Lets have a few laughs,
Have a good time on feild,
but thats where it stops.
Lets face the facts.
Me and her are not friends,
neither of us wish to be.
Both of us have moved on,
I know I have for the better,
I wish the same for her.
We have to deal with eachother,
so lets look at this with mature eyes.
Can we just cut down the name calling and such,
my end and hers, (this includes friends also)
We're all people and none of us enjoy the names.
The mean facebook pages,
even though you may have not posted it,
many think you did.
Lets just put it behind us,
move on.
Can we not let it happen again please?
I don't see why all the bad looks,
the name calling,
the insults,
rude comments.
We are all people, can we just stop it?
I know if any of my friends say anything about you guys,
which rarely, if ever happens,
I will tell them to shut it because this is going to get out of hand.
Lets just stop the feud,
The promis breaking,
The secret screaming,
all the negitives that have happened before.
Lets just stop.
I'm putting it behind me,
I've changed a lot since then.
Let's just move on in life,
and that be the end.
Theirs a few unresolved issues between me and her that we should work out.
such as the fact she thinks I was spreading rumors.
I will admit the part that she heard would make it seem so.
She didn't hear the first part that would justify my actions.
I will admit however I did say a few rude comments about her in my rantings,
as I'm positive she did as well.
Lets just move on from them.
Put it behind us,
Lets not hold grudges,
None of us will move forward in life if we do.
Lets just move on.
put it behind us.
We aren't the same people we once were.
I guess some would say I'm stronger.
I guess some would say I'm powerful,
I guess some would say I'm better off without her.
But they don't get it.
They think I'm better then her, then them.
I'm not better, I'm equal.
They think I'm on a high horse,
Or I'm sitting on a thrown.
Then think I'm just an asshole,
Or a bitch or other foul words.
They seem to forgett that I'm not better,
I never thought I was.
I'm just equal,
I'm just the same as them.
Please can you just leave me alone.
I'm not going back to her.
If you want tips on how to help her,
I'll be glad to give,
I don't want you to hurt her.
If you need help on something when shes not there,
I'll try and help,
but thats where it stops.
I'm not going back.
Just one thing though,
Don't ask me how to trill the A flat I think in the parade tune.
I don't like that fingering so I don't do it.
This whole feud is getting really stupid.
We have to spend the next 3 years together.
Lets have a few laughs,
Have a good time on feild,
but thats where it stops.
Lets face the facts.
Me and her are not friends,
neither of us wish to be.
Both of us have moved on,
I know I have for the better,
I wish the same for her.
We have to deal with eachother,
so lets look at this with mature eyes.
Can we just cut down the name calling and such,
my end and hers, (this includes friends also)
We're all people and none of us enjoy the names.
The mean facebook pages,
even though you may have not posted it,
many think you did.
Lets just put it behind us,
move on.
Can we not let it happen again please?
I don't see why all the bad looks,
the name calling,
the insults,
rude comments.
We are all people, can we just stop it?
I know if any of my friends say anything about you guys,
which rarely, if ever happens,
I will tell them to shut it because this is going to get out of hand.
Lets just stop the feud,
The promis breaking,
The secret screaming,
all the negitives that have happened before.
Lets just stop.
I'm putting it behind me,
I've changed a lot since then.
Let's just move on in life,
and that be the end.
Theirs a few unresolved issues between me and her that we should work out.
such as the fact she thinks I was spreading rumors.
I will admit the part that she heard would make it seem so.
She didn't hear the first part that would justify my actions.
I will admit however I did say a few rude comments about her in my rantings,
as I'm positive she did as well.
Lets just move on from them.
Put it behind us,
Lets not hold grudges,
None of us will move forward in life if we do.
Lets just move on.
put it behind us.
We aren't the same people we once were.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Another one gone, Another one unnoticed
Spread your wings wide girl,
You don't know when you'll need them.
Sing your loudest,
Let your voice be heard.
Let yourself be noticed,
Take off with those wings.
Because even though they think they see,
But it's just another mystery.
You don't know when you'll need them.
Sing your loudest,
Let your voice be heard.
Let yourself be noticed,
Take off with those wings.
Because even though they think they see,
But it's just another mystery.
Fly away babe
Just hold on tight,
Flash that rare smile babe,
You know you're going to be okay.
Just keep striving,
Keep climbing,
You'll rise above this one day.
It may be so,
You have to leave an old friend behind,
It may be so,
It isn't easy
But babe in the end,
you know you're not healthy,
And that's all he wants.
Just hold on tight,
Flash that rare smile babe,
You know you're going to be okay.
Just keep striving,
Keep climbing,
You'll rise above this one day.
And sure you won't get the satisfaction,
And sure babe, you won't beleive them
Those stupid lies that you have heard,
But baby just keep holding on
Don't give in just yet.
You know it's not worth it.
Those sleepless nights,
Living with pain
And surely though, your support isn't certain.
But always know that they care.
Just hold on tight,
Flash that rare smile babe,
You know you're going to be okay.
Just keep striving,
Keep climbing,
You'll rise above this one day.
Just hold on tight,
Flash that rare smile babe,
You know you're going to be okay.
Just keep striving,
Keep climbing,
You'll rise above this one day.
That's right babe,
You're gonna rise aove this one day.
Forgetting the past
Rise above this one day
Moving on,
Rise above this one day
Hold on
Rise above this one day
Keep hanging on
You're gonna rise above this one day.
~Keep in mind I haven't written a song in a very long time, let alone about eating dissorders. Just bare threw the typos and bad grammer. Thanks for reading :)~
Flash that rare smile babe,
You know you're going to be okay.
Just keep striving,
Keep climbing,
You'll rise above this one day.
It may be so,
You have to leave an old friend behind,
It may be so,
It isn't easy
But babe in the end,
you know you're not healthy,
And that's all he wants.
Just hold on tight,
Flash that rare smile babe,
You know you're going to be okay.
Just keep striving,
Keep climbing,
You'll rise above this one day.
And sure you won't get the satisfaction,
And sure babe, you won't beleive them
Those stupid lies that you have heard,
But baby just keep holding on
Don't give in just yet.
You know it's not worth it.
Those sleepless nights,
Living with pain
And surely though, your support isn't certain.
But always know that they care.
Just hold on tight,
Flash that rare smile babe,
You know you're going to be okay.
Just keep striving,
Keep climbing,
You'll rise above this one day.
Just hold on tight,
Flash that rare smile babe,
You know you're going to be okay.
Just keep striving,
Keep climbing,
You'll rise above this one day.
That's right babe,
You're gonna rise aove this one day.
Forgetting the past
Rise above this one day
Moving on,
Rise above this one day
Hold on
Rise above this one day
Keep hanging on
You're gonna rise above this one day.
~Keep in mind I haven't written a song in a very long time, let alone about eating dissorders. Just bare threw the typos and bad grammer. Thanks for reading :)~
Thursday, April 29, 2010
A diffrent user
I found a post about anorexia, and with the authors permission, I dicided to share it with you.
Isn't the life of the anorexics glamorous?
How we choose not to eat, all so we can be beautiful, thin, and desired by all.
We set our goals to lose weight, and once we reach it we decide to extend our goal even further.
It's not that we're coping with something, or that this is the one area we can have perfect in our life; it's so we can look like models or real life barbies.
The obsessive exercise- it's not because we feel we have to burn off as much fat or as many calories as possible, it's because we just love being active!
Having a panic attack just from looking at the nutrition facts of something... that just for show, it's not real.
After seeing a person who is morbidly obese- when we freak out; become terrified of looking like that; go out for long, strenuous runs; and refuse to eat;- that's just us being silly.
When our menstrual cycles cease, it's not that big of deal, just one less thing to deal with every month.
When our heart rate lowers, when our hearts beat slower- there's no need to be concerned.
When you can see almost every bone in our bodies and we still feel fat; that doesn't mean there's actually something wrong with our minds, right?
When the doctors tell us we're going to die if we don't eat, yet we still refuse; that's just us being selfish.
When we become so fragile, we can't sleep comfortably because we're too bony; that isn't that big of a deal.
We can being freezing cold, because we don't have enough body fat to heat our bodies; yet we won't except warm soup or anything type of food to help warm us- that's just us being stubborn.
Don't you just envy the life of an anorexic? How we make up this so-called 'disease' so we can have a perfect life. We gain control of every aspect of our lives, become beautiful, and get to live our "happily-ever-after" life.
For those of you out there that believe eating disorders are not real, that think we can choose to turn it off we just don't, or that wish they had eating disorders- you're wrong! Eating disorders take over your life, they are extremely real. It gets to the point even if you wish you could eat normally, you can't, there's this voice that controls you and it won't let you. Eating disorders are not a quick fix for shedding that extra weight, they're real mental illnesses. Wishing you had one is like wishing you had cancer, it's wishing for a disease.
Isn't the life of the anorexics glamorous?
How we choose not to eat, all so we can be beautiful, thin, and desired by all.
We set our goals to lose weight, and once we reach it we decide to extend our goal even further.
It's not that we're coping with something, or that this is the one area we can have perfect in our life; it's so we can look like models or real life barbies.
The obsessive exercise- it's not because we feel we have to burn off as much fat or as many calories as possible, it's because we just love being active!
Having a panic attack just from looking at the nutrition facts of something... that just for show, it's not real.
After seeing a person who is morbidly obese- when we freak out; become terrified of looking like that; go out for long, strenuous runs; and refuse to eat;- that's just us being silly.
When our menstrual cycles cease, it's not that big of deal, just one less thing to deal with every month.
When our heart rate lowers, when our hearts beat slower- there's no need to be concerned.
When you can see almost every bone in our bodies and we still feel fat; that doesn't mean there's actually something wrong with our minds, right?
When the doctors tell us we're going to die if we don't eat, yet we still refuse; that's just us being selfish.
When we become so fragile, we can't sleep comfortably because we're too bony; that isn't that big of a deal.
We can being freezing cold, because we don't have enough body fat to heat our bodies; yet we won't except warm soup or anything type of food to help warm us- that's just us being stubborn.
Don't you just envy the life of an anorexic? How we make up this so-called 'disease' so we can have a perfect life. We gain control of every aspect of our lives, become beautiful, and get to live our "happily-ever-after" life.
For those of you out there that believe eating disorders are not real, that think we can choose to turn it off we just don't, or that wish they had eating disorders- you're wrong! Eating disorders take over your life, they are extremely real. It gets to the point even if you wish you could eat normally, you can't, there's this voice that controls you and it won't let you. Eating disorders are not a quick fix for shedding that extra weight, they're real mental illnesses. Wishing you had one is like wishing you had cancer, it's wishing for a disease.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
I've got one thousand lies,
one thousand scars.
One thousand reasons to die.
I've got one hundred threats,
one hundred lids.
One hundred reasons why we shouldn't have met.
I've got one day of happiness,
One day of joy,
One day filled with reason to live through this mess.
I've got one reason to be who I am,
To live the way I do,
Face the truth babe,
It's just and only you.
one thousand scars.
One thousand reasons to die.
I've got one hundred threats,
one hundred lids.
One hundred reasons why we shouldn't have met.
I've got one day of happiness,
One day of joy,
One day filled with reason to live through this mess.
I've got one reason to be who I am,
To live the way I do,
Face the truth babe,
It's just and only you.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Dreams of Wonder, Curiosity, Love.
I played the song that keeps me safe,
that keeps me alive and well.
I treasure and adore this song,
as well as truely love.
I love the way the melody flows,
and the harmony compliments perfectly.
I am amazed at the tension it builds,
and always manages to release it.
In every verse is a new twist,
in every line beholds a new disign.
In every verse, I exist.
In every line, I declare this song mine.
I feel as if this song was written for me,
It matches perfectly to my internal melody.
It fills a hole that was discovered,
and fixes the shattered peices, just uncovered.
Did I mention this song is real?
I'm shocked if you haven't heard of it before.
I can't live a day without it,
It resembles him in ways to difficult to feel.
I love this song.
~This is about a dream I had last night~
that keeps me alive and well.
I treasure and adore this song,
as well as truely love.
I love the way the melody flows,
and the harmony compliments perfectly.
I am amazed at the tension it builds,
and always manages to release it.
In every verse is a new twist,
in every line beholds a new disign.
In every verse, I exist.
In every line, I declare this song mine.
I feel as if this song was written for me,
It matches perfectly to my internal melody.
It fills a hole that was discovered,
and fixes the shattered peices, just uncovered.
Did I mention this song is real?
I'm shocked if you haven't heard of it before.
I can't live a day without it,
It resembles him in ways to difficult to feel.
I love this song.
~This is about a dream I had last night~
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
An invisable dancer
The stars aren't going to dance tonight,
The moons not going to shine,
But none of that really matters now,
Because its just the end of time.
I guess you can say life isn't fair,
but in the end everything works out.
For once I'm actually being real,
And that's something to shout about.
The stars aren't going to dance tonight,
The moons not going to shine,
But none of that really matters now,
Because its just the end of time.
So for once in a long while,
I'm letting my true self shine.
I'm hanging up my acting abilities,
I don't need them to feel secure anymore.
The stars aren't going to dance tonight,
The moons not going to shine,
But none of that really matters now,
Because its just the end of time.
So here I am,
standing right before thee.
And there you are,
looking right past me.
The stars aren't going to dance tonight,
The moons not going to shine,
But none of that really matters now,
Because its just the end of time.
The moons not going to shine,
But none of that really matters now,
Because its just the end of time.
I guess you can say life isn't fair,
but in the end everything works out.
For once I'm actually being real,
And that's something to shout about.
The stars aren't going to dance tonight,
The moons not going to shine,
But none of that really matters now,
Because its just the end of time.
So for once in a long while,
I'm letting my true self shine.
I'm hanging up my acting abilities,
I don't need them to feel secure anymore.
The stars aren't going to dance tonight,
The moons not going to shine,
But none of that really matters now,
Because its just the end of time.
So here I am,
standing right before thee.
And there you are,
looking right past me.
The stars aren't going to dance tonight,
The moons not going to shine,
But none of that really matters now,
Because its just the end of time.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Life of releif
I know.
I haven't really been myself.
It's pretty sad,
Having myself feel like I have to be locked up,
just to fit in.
Just to be one of them.
I've been trying to be invisable for six years.
I actually succeded in some aspects.
I've had the same schedual with somebody for the past 3 years.
He learned my name today.
But It's time to let go.
I'm turning in my cloak,
and I'm being seen.
Why not be me?
What's the worst that can happen?
Besides,
It's just one more mile to summer.
Why not make the ride that much easier?
Imagine that,
One character.
One personality.
One life.
My life.
And nobody elses.
I could trade in Katie,
and Emily,
Jasmine,
Melissa,
and all the others I've been.
Better yet,
I could trade them for myself.
Ya know?
The screaming girl thats trying to escape.
But I have nothing to loose,
And my true friends will stick by me.
And it's time to say good bye to my false ones.
If they dont like the constant singing,
Piano obsessed,
Dancing maniac,
With just a bit to much bounce in her step girl,
then they are just not worth my time.
And if they don't accept how I get depressed for no reason,
and have a life I'm trying to escape,
Then they just aren't worth my time.
If they don't accept me and the Goddess,
Well they can go pin a rose on their nose,
because I'm being me now.
Who ever that is,
I'm ready to open up to her.
So three cheers and a new life.
My life.
Now that's a sigh of releif.
And for the record, 13 days and counting.
I haven't really been myself.
It's pretty sad,
Having myself feel like I have to be locked up,
just to fit in.
Just to be one of them.
I've been trying to be invisable for six years.
I actually succeded in some aspects.
I've had the same schedual with somebody for the past 3 years.
He learned my name today.
But It's time to let go.
I'm turning in my cloak,
and I'm being seen.
Why not be me?
What's the worst that can happen?
Besides,
It's just one more mile to summer.
Why not make the ride that much easier?
Imagine that,
One character.
One personality.
One life.
My life.
And nobody elses.
I could trade in Katie,
and Emily,
Jasmine,
Melissa,
and all the others I've been.
Better yet,
I could trade them for myself.
Ya know?
The screaming girl thats trying to escape.
But I have nothing to loose,
And my true friends will stick by me.
And it's time to say good bye to my false ones.
If they dont like the constant singing,
Piano obsessed,
Dancing maniac,
With just a bit to much bounce in her step girl,
then they are just not worth my time.
And if they don't accept how I get depressed for no reason,
and have a life I'm trying to escape,
Then they just aren't worth my time.
If they don't accept me and the Goddess,
Well they can go pin a rose on their nose,
because I'm being me now.
Who ever that is,
I'm ready to open up to her.
So three cheers and a new life.
My life.
Now that's a sigh of releif.
And for the record, 13 days and counting.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Do as you please. Just dont involve me
I'm not going down easy.
I'm not going down without a fight.
I'm not letting you control me,
I took back my life.
Try and ruin my life.
Be the low life you are.
Or try and proove me and your mother wrong.
Remember when you went against your mother,
And you weren't fat,
And you weren't a whore,
And you were dedicated?
Things change.
Somethings don't though.
At leaste your not fat.
When I dicided I didn't want to be your friend,
I wanted you out of my life.
You want me out of yours.
So really, just get out.
What I do in my life is my buissness.
What you do in yours, is yours.
I'm not going down easy.
I'm not going down without a fight.
I'm not letting you control me,
I took back my life.
Unlike you,
I can keep my pants on.
Unlike you,
I can keep people out of my vagina.
Unlike Miley,
I dont need a mouse trap to do so.
(You have to admit, Shane is so awesome)
And for the record,
he doesn't like me,
Just to piss you off,
Or to get back at you,
Or anything along those lines,
Or to use me,
Or to get into my pants,
(We both know for a fact he wouldn't be able to)
and that he actually likes me.
As in the real me that I could never show around you.
Shocking isn't it?
Somebody liking me?
And me not listening to you and am acutally being happy?
Hmm,
So odd.
Remind me again why I was friends with you?
You smelled good...
Weird first grader?
I think so.
Eh.
I guess somethings never change
I'm not going down without a fight.
I'm not letting you control me,
I took back my life.
Try and ruin my life.
Be the low life you are.
Or try and proove me and your mother wrong.
Remember when you went against your mother,
And you weren't fat,
And you weren't a whore,
And you were dedicated?
Things change.
Somethings don't though.
At leaste your not fat.
When I dicided I didn't want to be your friend,
I wanted you out of my life.
You want me out of yours.
So really, just get out.
What I do in my life is my buissness.
What you do in yours, is yours.
I'm not going down easy.
I'm not going down without a fight.
I'm not letting you control me,
I took back my life.
Unlike you,
I can keep my pants on.
Unlike you,
I can keep people out of my vagina.
Unlike Miley,
I dont need a mouse trap to do so.
(You have to admit, Shane is so awesome)
And for the record,
he doesn't like me,
Just to piss you off,
Or to get back at you,
Or anything along those lines,
Or to use me,
Or to get into my pants,
(We both know for a fact he wouldn't be able to)
and that he actually likes me.
As in the real me that I could never show around you.
Shocking isn't it?
Somebody liking me?
And me not listening to you and am acutally being happy?
Hmm,
So odd.
Remind me again why I was friends with you?
You smelled good...
Weird first grader?
I think so.
Eh.
I guess somethings never change
Mirror girl
I look in the mirror,
What do I see?
My cousins holding me up,
and smiling back at me.
A tiny girl so sweet and small,
oblivious to her surroundings.
Oh look at her tiny body,
Oh so precious and strong.
She will be so great one day.
I look in the mirror,
What do I see?
A little girl fearing the tub,
wishing it was a deep blue sea.
A little girl so whiny and fretfull,
afraid of what might happen when shes unavaliable.
Even a simple bath,
would send her bawling.
She will conquer her fears one day.
I look in the mirror,
What do I see?
An akward girl staring back at me.
She doesn't have a lot of friends,
and the ones she did have are against her now.
Just seven years old and confused and hurt,
who doesn't know what just happend.
She lost the only people who cared,
and now hears something about court charges.
She doesn't know what just happend,
But she can't help but wonder
Why her and not me?
She will find answers one day.
I look in the mirror,
What do I see?
A brand new pimple staring back at me.
I guess she can't have everything,
yet she wishes the screaming would stop.
An ambitous girl worn down and crying,
She tries to stay strong because crying is frowned apon.
She doesn't want to add to the flame,
So their she stares,
right back at the new found blemish.
She will make herself strong one day.
I look in the mirror,
What do I see?
A disgusted girl staring back at me.
She doesn't look like the other girls,
and wants so bad to just fit in.
A twelve year old girl none the less,
Just living in a body of mess.
She wants so bad to just be pretty,
She wants so bad to just have somebody.
She'll make peace one day.
I look in the mirror,
What do I see?
An anerexic body staring back at me.
No matter how thin she is,
She will always be that twelve year old.
Just thirteen years old,
With 132 cuts running her hands,
and no blood to show.
She looks skinny for once,
but the voices will never see.
One day, she will prove them wrong.
I look in the mirror,
What do I see?
A pair of hazel eyes staring back at me.
They glisten with contacts,
and a fresh coat of mascara.
Her hair is straight,
She finally found her place.
A not so small girl any more,
and she still smiles,
even through the lack of teethe.
And she still fears the simplest things.
She still questions,
and still has acne.
She still gets disgusted,
and still has 132 cuts on her fingers,
with some additional ones.
The diffrence now, is shes older.
She can handle life now.
She knows how to take the world in strides,
and move along the current.
Things change,
Even if it doesn't seem like it,
It's for the better.
What do I see?
My cousins holding me up,
and smiling back at me.
A tiny girl so sweet and small,
oblivious to her surroundings.
Oh look at her tiny body,
Oh so precious and strong.
She will be so great one day.
I look in the mirror,
What do I see?
A little girl fearing the tub,
wishing it was a deep blue sea.
A little girl so whiny and fretfull,
afraid of what might happen when shes unavaliable.
Even a simple bath,
would send her bawling.
She will conquer her fears one day.
I look in the mirror,
What do I see?
An akward girl staring back at me.
She doesn't have a lot of friends,
and the ones she did have are against her now.
Just seven years old and confused and hurt,
who doesn't know what just happend.
She lost the only people who cared,
and now hears something about court charges.
She doesn't know what just happend,
But she can't help but wonder
Why her and not me?
She will find answers one day.
I look in the mirror,
What do I see?
A brand new pimple staring back at me.
I guess she can't have everything,
yet she wishes the screaming would stop.
An ambitous girl worn down and crying,
She tries to stay strong because crying is frowned apon.
She doesn't want to add to the flame,
So their she stares,
right back at the new found blemish.
She will make herself strong one day.
I look in the mirror,
What do I see?
A disgusted girl staring back at me.
She doesn't look like the other girls,
and wants so bad to just fit in.
A twelve year old girl none the less,
Just living in a body of mess.
She wants so bad to just be pretty,
She wants so bad to just have somebody.
She'll make peace one day.
I look in the mirror,
What do I see?
An anerexic body staring back at me.
No matter how thin she is,
She will always be that twelve year old.
Just thirteen years old,
With 132 cuts running her hands,
and no blood to show.
She looks skinny for once,
but the voices will never see.
One day, she will prove them wrong.
I look in the mirror,
What do I see?
A pair of hazel eyes staring back at me.
They glisten with contacts,
and a fresh coat of mascara.
Her hair is straight,
She finally found her place.
A not so small girl any more,
and she still smiles,
even through the lack of teethe.
And she still fears the simplest things.
She still questions,
and still has acne.
She still gets disgusted,
and still has 132 cuts on her fingers,
with some additional ones.
The diffrence now, is shes older.
She can handle life now.
She knows how to take the world in strides,
and move along the current.
Things change,
Even if it doesn't seem like it,
It's for the better.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Lies or Truth.
Will you stick with me through this?
Even though I'm bound to lie.
Will you still love me,
Even though I'll surly fall.
I know,
I realize,
And yet I do.
I'm sorry,
Will you still love me?
Even though I'm bound to hurt you.
I know,
I realize,
And yet I so.
Sorry it has to be this way,
but just don't know what to do.
You tell me,
Would you like me to lie,
But save you the pain?
Or tell you the truth,
And let you be in vain?
I'm just not sure what to do,
Vocally that is.
I don't want to loose you.
Will you stick with me through the night?
I can't make it on my own.
Will you stick with me through whatever?
Without you I'll surely go.
So you tell me,
Pain, misery dispair, honesty
Or
What ever emotions you have now, Lies.
You dicide.
I just wish you could have my honesty while being happy.
But that can't happen,
Not this time.
So you tell me.
Even though I'm bound to lie.
Will you still love me,
Even though I'll surly fall.
I know,
I realize,
And yet I do.
I'm sorry,
Will you still love me?
Even though I'm bound to hurt you.
I know,
I realize,
And yet I so.
Sorry it has to be this way,
but just don't know what to do.
You tell me,
Would you like me to lie,
But save you the pain?
Or tell you the truth,
And let you be in vain?
I'm just not sure what to do,
Vocally that is.
I don't want to loose you.
Will you stick with me through the night?
I can't make it on my own.
Will you stick with me through whatever?
Without you I'll surely go.
So you tell me,
Pain, misery dispair, honesty
Or
What ever emotions you have now, Lies.
You dicide.
I just wish you could have my honesty while being happy.
But that can't happen,
Not this time.
So you tell me.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
an act of recovery
I know I haven't been acting like me, (me)
I know I haven't been the same, (you)
But what you need to know is, (me)
That I'm healthier then ever before, (harmonized)
So hold on tight with me, (you)
We can raise up
from this pit of misery,
because I haven't let go yet. (me)
And neither will you
~Drums~
I'm not giving up easy (you)
I'm not going down
I'm rising above the hate
and endless laughter,
I'm taking advice I should of, (me)
And we're going on our way
And I know You are here to stay
And we will Be strong (both, harmonized)
And we will Carry on
And we know we'll be wrong
And we know we'll make it through the haze
With you, (you)
With me (Together, harmonized)
(needs work)
Oh, Do you see that shooting star, (you)
Oh, 11:11 on the dot (me)
Oh, All my wishes have come true, (you)
Because of you, (harmonized)
(me-melody, you-moving ooo's)
And I will Be strong
And I will Carry on
And I know I'll be wrong
And I know I'll make it through the haze
With you,(me)
With me (you)
One more day, (me)
One more hour,
One more second, (you)
One more everything.
But me and you will make it, (harmonized)
Because we have no choice, (you)
Because we want to. (me)
So lets get the fire going, (harmonized)
Lets start the {celebration}(harm), (you-mel. me echo)
And don't worry girl, (you)
Our hunt will be a sucsess.(me)
So come on, (you)
Lets get better,
So come on, (me)
Lets Start!!! (harm)
And I will Be strong (you)
And I will Carry on
And I know I'll be wrong
And I know I'll make it through the haze
With you, (you)
With me (me)
Who knows who we will meet, (you)
Who knows what fantasys we will create, (me)
Oh girl, (you)
Look their,
Our dreams, (me)
Have come true (harm)
Our single life, (you)
Has ended (harm)
And we will Be strong (harm)
And we will Carry on
And we know we'll be wrong
And we know we'll make it through the haze
With us,(me)
With them (you)
(me, melody, you, oo)
And I will Be strong
And I will Carry on
And I know I'll be wrong
And I know I'll make it through the haze
Because I know I'm yours
Because I know I'm so much better
With you
Oh girl, can't you see?
Because of you,
We have made it, (harm)
(You, mel. Me- moving)
And I will Be strong
And I will Carry on
And I know I'll be wrong
And I know I'll make it through the haze
(We'll talk...)
And I wont slip away,
And I will learn to love,
Because I know a celebration's in store,
And I will cherish the time we have
You have made it possible to feel again,
Because of you,
I thank you! (harm)
So lets hear it out, (me)
And let me Thank you (you)
for helping me on my way, (me)
and let us say (you)(rit.)
Screw you misery, (harmonized together)
byebye (unison together)
(Ending needs help from you)
~The stuff in ( ) is just for my friend who will be performing this song with me
I know I haven't been the same, (you)
But what you need to know is, (me)
That I'm healthier then ever before, (harmonized)
So hold on tight with me, (you)
We can raise up
from this pit of misery,
because I haven't let go yet. (me)
And neither will you
~Drums~
I'm not giving up easy (you)
I'm not going down
I'm rising above the hate
and endless laughter,
I'm taking advice I should of, (me)
And we're going on our way
And I know You are here to stay
And we will Be strong (both, harmonized)
And we will Carry on
And we know we'll be wrong
And we know we'll make it through the haze
With you, (you)
With me (Together, harmonized)
(needs work)
Oh, Do you see that shooting star, (you)
Oh, 11:11 on the dot (me)
Oh, All my wishes have come true, (you)
Because of you, (harmonized)
(me-melody, you-moving ooo's)
And I will Be strong
And I will Carry on
And I know I'll be wrong
And I know I'll make it through the haze
With you,(me)
With me (you)
One more day, (me)
One more hour,
One more second, (you)
One more everything.
But me and you will make it, (harmonized)
Because we have no choice, (you)
Because we want to. (me)
So lets get the fire going, (harmonized)
Lets start the {celebration}(harm), (you-mel. me echo)
And don't worry girl, (you)
Our hunt will be a sucsess.(me)
So come on, (you)
Lets get better,
So come on, (me)
Lets Start!!! (harm)
And I will Be strong (you)
And I will Carry on
And I know I'll be wrong
And I know I'll make it through the haze
With you, (you)
With me (me)
Who knows who we will meet, (you)
Who knows what fantasys we will create, (me)
Oh girl, (you)
Look their,
Our dreams, (me)
Have come true (harm)
Our single life, (you)
Has ended (harm)
And we will Be strong (harm)
And we will Carry on
And we know we'll be wrong
And we know we'll make it through the haze
With us,(me)
With them (you)
(me, melody, you, oo)
And I will Be strong
And I will Carry on
And I know I'll be wrong
And I know I'll make it through the haze
Because I know I'm yours
Because I know I'm so much better
With you
Oh girl, can't you see?
Because of you,
We have made it, (harm)
(You, mel. Me- moving)
And I will Be strong
And I will Carry on
And I know I'll be wrong
And I know I'll make it through the haze
(We'll talk...)
And I wont slip away,
And I will learn to love,
Because I know a celebration's in store,
And I will cherish the time we have
You have made it possible to feel again,
Because of you,
I thank you! (harm)
So lets hear it out, (me)
And let me Thank you (you)
for helping me on my way, (me)
and let us say (you)(rit.)
Screw you misery, (harmonized together)
byebye (unison together)
(Ending needs help from you)
~The stuff in ( ) is just for my friend who will be performing this song with me
Sunday, February 21, 2010
This is how I do
This is for procrastinating.
This is for not writing papers.
This is for not doing your homework.
This is for realizing how screwed you are.
This is for all the stress in life.
This is for the oh shit moments we all have.
This is for the Fuck you alarm clock. I just went to sleep 5 min ago days.
This is for the long list of everything.
This is for when you get pissed at everyone and everything.
This is for when you get the job done.
This is for trying to sleep.
This is for attemping to focas.
What I have to do tonight:
Write Chorale Concert Reveiw.
Write Wind Symphony Concert Reveiw.
Write English Paper.
Do Bio homework
Think of Topic for Chorale 5-7 page paper on any musical topic.
|_ I'm thinking something along the lines of the study of how music, like actual sheet music is developed and read. And how Do Re Mi Fa So La Ti Do go incorperated.
Take cough medz.
I would like to be in bed by 2am.
That gives me 6 hours.
What I can do to cut corners:
Write one massive paper for both Chorale and WS.
BS way through English
I plan on being in bed by midnight.
Lets do it!
This is for not writing papers.
This is for not doing your homework.
This is for realizing how screwed you are.
This is for all the stress in life.
This is for the oh shit moments we all have.
This is for the Fuck you alarm clock. I just went to sleep 5 min ago days.
This is for the long list of everything.
This is for when you get pissed at everyone and everything.
This is for when you get the job done.
This is for trying to sleep.
This is for attemping to focas.
What I have to do tonight:
Write Chorale Concert Reveiw.
Write Wind Symphony Concert Reveiw.
Write English Paper.
Do Bio homework
Think of Topic for Chorale 5-7 page paper on any musical topic.
|_ I'm thinking something along the lines of the study of how music, like actual sheet music is developed and read. And how Do Re Mi Fa So La Ti Do go incorperated.
Take cough medz.
I would like to be in bed by 2am.
That gives me 6 hours.
What I can do to cut corners:
Write one massive paper for both Chorale and WS.
BS way through English
I plan on being in bed by midnight.
Lets do it!
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Creeping Angel
Let me be your miracle,
Let me be the one who saves you.
Let me be your angel.
Let me be your friend.
I want to help you.
I want to know your problums.
I want to be the one you can't wait to talk to.
I want to be the girl you tell, "Good night I love you,"
But for now,
I'll be the girl waiting for you.
I'll be the girl living off false hope, and loving it.
I'll be the girl wishing apon shooting stars.
I'll be the girl striving for your heart.
I'll be that girl, if you be my guy.
And even if all this is a waste,
And even if you never open your eyes to me,
And even if you let her get the better of you,
And even if this is just a big mistake,
I'm willing to take my chances,
because nobody,
man or women,
Could ever change the way I feel.
My passion burns sronger then ever before,
My internal flame can not be stopped,
I can only hope to light you on fire now,
and heal the burns I make.
I'm sorry I'm not the girl you've been dreaming of,
But I'm not sorry I'm not her.
All I can be is me,
Even though I don't know who that is.
But that doesn't matter,
because I know how I feel.
I hope you do too.
But as I said before,
It doesnt matter,
because you're just the man I've been looking for.
~This is not a serious poem. I was trying to sound like a creeper~
Let me be the one who saves you.
Let me be your angel.
Let me be your friend.
I want to help you.
I want to know your problums.
I want to be the one you can't wait to talk to.
I want to be the girl you tell, "Good night I love you,"
But for now,
I'll be the girl waiting for you.
I'll be the girl living off false hope, and loving it.
I'll be the girl wishing apon shooting stars.
I'll be the girl striving for your heart.
I'll be that girl, if you be my guy.
And even if all this is a waste,
And even if you never open your eyes to me,
And even if you let her get the better of you,
And even if this is just a big mistake,
I'm willing to take my chances,
because nobody,
man or women,
Could ever change the way I feel.
My passion burns sronger then ever before,
My internal flame can not be stopped,
I can only hope to light you on fire now,
and heal the burns I make.
I'm sorry I'm not the girl you've been dreaming of,
But I'm not sorry I'm not her.
All I can be is me,
Even though I don't know who that is.
But that doesn't matter,
because I know how I feel.
I hope you do too.
But as I said before,
It doesnt matter,
because you're just the man I've been looking for.
~This is not a serious poem. I was trying to sound like a creeper~
Friday, February 19, 2010
I wont back down
I was saved for 28 days.
I took 28 steps to a recovery.
I made it through hell for 28 days.
I was safe from my life.
I hid from myself.
I was safe though.
But come Febuary 13th,
I turned around and took 28 steps.
In front of 7 people,
and nobody cared enough to see.
He didn't know,
she was to concerened about not eating,
He was just all wrapped up with her.
Don't get me started on him.
She still doesn't know,
She was next to him.
He doesn't realize it.
So their I went,
Back at page one.
I fainted that night too.
But nobody ever notices me
And thats okay,
because when they do
I'm the light of their day.
In most cases that is.
So here I am,
3 days of saving myself.
But I've made it through hell,
I haven't done it for her.
And tommorow I will take one more step,
just one more step on this staircase.
One step becomes 2 steps,
2 steps become a mile.
One more mile to Jerico as the song says.
One more mile to Summer.
One more mile.
With a couple pit stops on the way of course :)
One thing is for certian though,
I won't back down.
I won't be controlled by this road anymore,
and I wont let a rock stand in my way.
I'm moving my mountain.
I have a new group to help me too.
I took 28 steps to a recovery.
I made it through hell for 28 days.
I was safe from my life.
I hid from myself.
I was safe though.
But come Febuary 13th,
I turned around and took 28 steps.
In front of 7 people,
and nobody cared enough to see.
He didn't know,
she was to concerened about not eating,
He was just all wrapped up with her.
Don't get me started on him.
She still doesn't know,
She was next to him.
He doesn't realize it.
So their I went,
Back at page one.
I fainted that night too.
But nobody ever notices me
And thats okay,
because when they do
I'm the light of their day.
In most cases that is.
So here I am,
3 days of saving myself.
But I've made it through hell,
I haven't done it for her.
And tommorow I will take one more step,
just one more step on this staircase.
One step becomes 2 steps,
2 steps become a mile.
One more mile to Jerico as the song says.
One more mile to Summer.
One more mile.
With a couple pit stops on the way of course :)
One thing is for certian though,
I won't back down.
I won't be controlled by this road anymore,
and I wont let a rock stand in my way.
I'm moving my mountain.
I have a new group to help me too.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
All I need to say
Think to when you first hugged me when I was sad.
You new exactly what I needed when I was being bad.
You actually cared when the rest looked at the sky
You let me live, instead of being denied.
I felt like I was flying, right over the clouds
I felt like crying, so I held on tighter.
But I hope you realize just how much that ment,
even if you were just being kind.
I never thought that would spark what I feel today.
Please don't go away
This is all I've been wanting to say,
I would hope you feel this too.
But even if you don't,
I'll be just fine.
You helped me on my way.
Thank you.
You new exactly what I needed when I was being bad.
You actually cared when the rest looked at the sky
You let me live, instead of being denied.
I felt like I was flying, right over the clouds
I felt like crying, so I held on tighter.
But I hope you realize just how much that ment,
even if you were just being kind.
I never thought that would spark what I feel today.
Please don't go away
This is all I've been wanting to say,
I would hope you feel this too.
But even if you don't,
I'll be just fine.
You helped me on my way.
Thank you.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Just another one about her.
"It's okay"
"Everything will be alright"
"You are safe"
"I care about you"
"You mean so much to me it's not even right"
"I am fine"
"Everything is okay"
I have been told these lies.
I have told these lies.
You have said them,
distributed them like candy on Samhain,
And I beleived you.
How did I not know I mean nothing to you?
I never did.
Yet you led me to beleive that you cared about my existance,
just like you lead him to beleive you like him.
I'm sick of being lied to.
I'm sick of being controlled.
I should listen to my Grandma,
because this is getting old.
I shouldn't stick around any longer,
because all you bring is blood and tears,
But yet here I am,
and there you are.
I've been dreaming a storm,
With lightning and thunder,
I've been wishing apon shooting stars,
To be let down once more
You don't know how much it hurts to see you go,
but like that stupid song,
I love to watch you leave
~I give up trying to focas back into this~
"Everything will be alright"
"You are safe"
"I care about you"
"You mean so much to me it's not even right"
"I am fine"
"Everything is okay"
I have been told these lies.
I have told these lies.
You have said them,
distributed them like candy on Samhain,
And I beleived you.
How did I not know I mean nothing to you?
I never did.
Yet you led me to beleive that you cared about my existance,
just like you lead him to beleive you like him.
I'm sick of being lied to.
I'm sick of being controlled.
I should listen to my Grandma,
because this is getting old.
I shouldn't stick around any longer,
because all you bring is blood and tears,
But yet here I am,
and there you are.
I've been dreaming a storm,
With lightning and thunder,
I've been wishing apon shooting stars,
To be let down once more
You don't know how much it hurts to see you go,
but like that stupid song,
I love to watch you leave
~I give up trying to focas back into this~
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Im a hipocrite
You call me the hipocrite.
But lets see if your telling the truth,
or am just bullshitting to make yourself look good.
You call me the hipocrite because I told him I love him,
and broke his heart.
But I had a reason to.
You called me a whore, and a skank, a slut.
you gave me hell every day for dating him.
To get you off my back we broke up.
Then you asked me if you could sleep with him.
I'm the hipocrite?
You told me everyday I was a cradel robber.
You were against it,
saying stuff along the lines of "How could you vbe dating a younger guy like that"
He was four months younger.
Really.
But then you go and am all over a younger guy.
But I'm the hipocrite.
You call me a hipocrite because I don't call.
But if you think about it,
We saw eachother at leaste 5 hours a day for the past four months.
When I did ask to hang out,
I got to sit their watching you talk to the guy I still liked.
I didn't want to deal with that.
And you never contacted me,
But I'm the hipocrite.
You call me the hipocrite,
but at leaste I can keep a secret.
You've always said how you would never tell one of my secrets.
Yet you screamed in the hall a secret, in which you pinkie promised on.
You told Zach about my eating dissorders.
Did you really think I wanted him to know?
I trusted you.
But I'm the hipocrite
You call me a hipocrite for changing,
But so did you,
no matter how much you dont want to beleive it.
Even Kevin noticed
But I'm the hipocrite.
So now you see why I don't tell you my secrets,
who I like,
what I'm thinking about,
anything really.
And of course you had to steal the one thing that made me special.
My hair.
I was fine with all the other colors, and cuts,
but my color made me special,
the only thing that made me stand out a little bit.
And you took that from me.
Why?
You say that you were trying to get your natural color back,
But Red is not dirty blond
Besides, you don't like your natural color,
because if you did,
you wouldn't have dyed it.
So here we are,
I'm a random girl,
nothing special,
anything that made me stand out is gone,
and their you are,
being a slut,
calling me a hipocrite.
having red hair, and blue eyes,
having huge tits in which you wont shut up about.
But lets see if your telling the truth,
or am just bullshitting to make yourself look good.
You call me the hipocrite because I told him I love him,
and broke his heart.
But I had a reason to.
You called me a whore, and a skank, a slut.
you gave me hell every day for dating him.
To get you off my back we broke up.
Then you asked me if you could sleep with him.
I'm the hipocrite?
You told me everyday I was a cradel robber.
You were against it,
saying stuff along the lines of "How could you vbe dating a younger guy like that"
He was four months younger.
Really.
But then you go and am all over a younger guy.
But I'm the hipocrite.
You call me a hipocrite because I don't call.
But if you think about it,
We saw eachother at leaste 5 hours a day for the past four months.
When I did ask to hang out,
I got to sit their watching you talk to the guy I still liked.
I didn't want to deal with that.
And you never contacted me,
But I'm the hipocrite.
You call me the hipocrite,
but at leaste I can keep a secret.
You've always said how you would never tell one of my secrets.
Yet you screamed in the hall a secret, in which you pinkie promised on.
You told Zach about my eating dissorders.
Did you really think I wanted him to know?
I trusted you.
But I'm the hipocrite
You call me a hipocrite for changing,
But so did you,
no matter how much you dont want to beleive it.
Even Kevin noticed
But I'm the hipocrite.
So now you see why I don't tell you my secrets,
who I like,
what I'm thinking about,
anything really.
And of course you had to steal the one thing that made me special.
My hair.
I was fine with all the other colors, and cuts,
but my color made me special,
the only thing that made me stand out a little bit.
And you took that from me.
Why?
You say that you were trying to get your natural color back,
But Red is not dirty blond
Besides, you don't like your natural color,
because if you did,
you wouldn't have dyed it.
So here we are,
I'm a random girl,
nothing special,
anything that made me stand out is gone,
and their you are,
being a slut,
calling me a hipocrite.
having red hair, and blue eyes,
having huge tits in which you wont shut up about.
Monday, February 8, 2010
I made you beleive I was healthy.
I never stopped.
Sorry I gave you false comfort.
More then anything,
false hope.
Sorry I wasn't all I needed to be,
Expecially for your standards.
But that doesn't matter anymore.
I have friends that love me the way I am
That love who I am
What I do,
and are helping me.
I smiled,
I laughed.
I know my happiness causes pain to you.
But I don't care.
I love feeling happy.
If you don't like it,
then deal with it.
You will see these screwed up teethe even more.
You will see the bleeding slow,
and the tears become desert.
My heart can soar now.
My mind can rest.
You would never beleive what I was thinking this morning.
I started saying how good I looked in my jeans.
It wasn't in a conseided way,
It wasn't forced either.
It just came.
It wasn't fallowed by the voice,
in which we both know to well.
BUt I have higher self esteem.
And that's no thanks to you.
I have nothing to say to you,
nothing to prove.
So I'm happy for the time being,
Suck it if you don't like it.
But thank you for all my true friends,
Who keep my secrets,
and don't scream them to the world.
Who don't start rumors about me.
and who love to see me smile.
You got me to a healthier level.
17 days and counting.
Surprisingly,
I'm okay with that.
I never stopped.
Sorry I gave you false comfort.
More then anything,
false hope.
Sorry I wasn't all I needed to be,
Expecially for your standards.
But that doesn't matter anymore.
I have friends that love me the way I am
That love who I am
What I do,
and are helping me.
I smiled,
I laughed.
I know my happiness causes pain to you.
But I don't care.
I love feeling happy.
If you don't like it,
then deal with it.
You will see these screwed up teethe even more.
You will see the bleeding slow,
and the tears become desert.
My heart can soar now.
My mind can rest.
You would never beleive what I was thinking this morning.
I started saying how good I looked in my jeans.
It wasn't in a conseided way,
It wasn't forced either.
It just came.
It wasn't fallowed by the voice,
in which we both know to well.
BUt I have higher self esteem.
And that's no thanks to you.
I have nothing to say to you,
nothing to prove.
So I'm happy for the time being,
Suck it if you don't like it.
But thank you for all my true friends,
Who keep my secrets,
and don't scream them to the world.
Who don't start rumors about me.
and who love to see me smile.
You got me to a healthier level.
17 days and counting.
Surprisingly,
I'm okay with that.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Intenchions gone wrong
~This one actually is about you~
What was running through my mind?
Was anything at all?
Why did I put up as long as I did?
I'm begining to remember why.
I think it's because I thought I could help.
That I could some how help your tears,
That I had this false hope,
that one day you would be healthy.
Your smile is so rare,
But when it was true,
It shined with the moon.
Why did I put up as long as I did?
Mabey it was because I longed to see your smile?
Mabey because I wanted to be apart of your world.
Mabey because I wanted in on the jokes, and fun
I'm thinking back,
to the first time at your new house.
(note how I say house, not home)
We met in Nelson Ridge.
We hugged, and then swung,
went on the bridge,
everything was nice.
We went in, and before I new it,
you screamed Fuck and Sex on the top of your lungs.
You explained teen sanctuary to me.
You don't know how good that sounded.
We went on your trampoline.
I didn't know how to get on.
Do you remember that?
Before Penelopy?
I would take 15 minutes to get on.
and then didn't know how to jump.
Then we felt so free.
At leaste I did.
I think you did too.
We couldnt wait to get into your pool.
And then the sun set,
and my brothers car pulled up.
Getting off the trampoline.
Do you remember that?
I got shocked so bad.
Remember my hair?
Bright Red and curly,
My face covered in acne?
I really did change.
Back then was great.
Or the day you got Lolly.
Or my first time playing guitar hero with you and Andi.
Or how about my first kiss,
Oh god Eric!!!
We had a lot of good memories.
I know we can't go back.
But that doesn't mean we have to be this distant.
I originally was going to write this to be bitchy.
But I don't think I will.
I've used up all my chances,
I know.
And I know I should just let go.
I've tried.
Beleive me.
But I can't.
I know I can't speak for you,
but thinking back,
just reminded me of what our friendship is/was built on.
Trust? Fun? Having a good time?
I dunno.
But I'm out of chances.
But would do anything just to have one.
One chance.
TO be stupid and fun.
To be crazy
To stay up all night talking.
To have fun.
To go to CVS in capes.
To oogle over the hott guy down your streete.
To help you,
To get helped.
Do you want this to end?
Most likely.
Your sick of me.
At leaste I think.
But like I said,
I'm out of chances.
But let me just say,
that I am truely sorry.
I should have called more.
But it's to late now.
I should have been more supportive,
But I can't go back now.
I am truely sorry for changing the way I did.
and let me say,
Your house is still the funnest.
I'm sorry.
I truely am.
And now I will call you,
and hope that you listen to me,
as I say how sorry I really am.
What was running through my mind?
Was anything at all?
Why did I put up as long as I did?
I'm begining to remember why.
I think it's because I thought I could help.
That I could some how help your tears,
That I had this false hope,
that one day you would be healthy.
Your smile is so rare,
But when it was true,
It shined with the moon.
Why did I put up as long as I did?
Mabey it was because I longed to see your smile?
Mabey because I wanted to be apart of your world.
Mabey because I wanted in on the jokes, and fun
I'm thinking back,
to the first time at your new house.
(note how I say house, not home)
We met in Nelson Ridge.
We hugged, and then swung,
went on the bridge,
everything was nice.
We went in, and before I new it,
you screamed Fuck and Sex on the top of your lungs.
You explained teen sanctuary to me.
You don't know how good that sounded.
We went on your trampoline.
I didn't know how to get on.
Do you remember that?
Before Penelopy?
I would take 15 minutes to get on.
and then didn't know how to jump.
Then we felt so free.
At leaste I did.
I think you did too.
We couldnt wait to get into your pool.
And then the sun set,
and my brothers car pulled up.
Getting off the trampoline.
Do you remember that?
I got shocked so bad.
Remember my hair?
Bright Red and curly,
My face covered in acne?
I really did change.
Back then was great.
Or the day you got Lolly.
Or my first time playing guitar hero with you and Andi.
Or how about my first kiss,
Oh god Eric!!!
We had a lot of good memories.
I know we can't go back.
But that doesn't mean we have to be this distant.
I originally was going to write this to be bitchy.
But I don't think I will.
I've used up all my chances,
I know.
And I know I should just let go.
I've tried.
Beleive me.
But I can't.
I know I can't speak for you,
but thinking back,
just reminded me of what our friendship is/was built on.
Trust? Fun? Having a good time?
I dunno.
But I'm out of chances.
But would do anything just to have one.
One chance.
TO be stupid and fun.
To be crazy
To stay up all night talking.
To have fun.
To go to CVS in capes.
To oogle over the hott guy down your streete.
To help you,
To get helped.
Do you want this to end?
Most likely.
Your sick of me.
At leaste I think.
But like I said,
I'm out of chances.
But let me just say,
that I am truely sorry.
I should have called more.
But it's to late now.
I should have been more supportive,
But I can't go back now.
I am truely sorry for changing the way I did.
and let me say,
Your house is still the funnest.
I'm sorry.
I truely am.
And now I will call you,
and hope that you listen to me,
as I say how sorry I really am.
I look at this list over and over again,
wishing someone I could trust would pop up
I need to talk to somebody
I need to be saved from my self
has been 16 days.
I'm not about to ruin that
No matter what the cost.
I need to be saved from myself
Can somebody come save me?
Can somebody talk to me?
I wish I could call some one to have them help,
but anyone I would,
has left me
I'm debating on calling her,
because I know if she called me right now,
and was acting like me,
I would still help her.
I wouldn't turn my back
I know it's not the same as before
But she did it with her old friend
at that football game last year.
So mabey that offer applys to me?
No it doesn't.
She can't deal with me.
Rather she doesn't care enough
would somebody please just get on
I don't have Kizzie or Andis or Grants number,
Why cant they just get online?
I stare at hte lists one more time.
Jen is on.
Should I bother her?
No. She would laugh at me
No she wouldn't.
But she sure as hell doesn't care.
Why does everybody have be off line.
Should I bother calling her?
She would love to hear me like this.
It would bring a smile to her face.
Besides, what am I having this freak out over?
Their isn't any boy problum,
Their isn't any family problum
Stress?
Mabey...
Stress is the highest possibiliy.
Drama?
I'm staying out of it.
Any friend issues?
Just me and her.
And that isn't causing any big break downs or depression...
What is causing this other than stress?
Its only 2-7-10
hmm...
That number has some form of sentimental thing
I can't remember what was important about today.
Its something though..
It's no use, I can't think of it.
YES I CAN
Oh jeez...
This was the day with the thing back in England,
Where She got locked up with the baby,
Because of Peter...
I think
That sounds right.
Doesn't it?
Yea.
Mabey she knows.
Because that would explain a lot.
Oh well,
mabey if she reads this, she can tell me.
It sounds like shes having a bad day...
But that could mean anything
wishing someone I could trust would pop up
I need to talk to somebody
I need to be saved from my self
has been 16 days.
I'm not about to ruin that
No matter what the cost.
I need to be saved from myself
Can somebody come save me?
Can somebody talk to me?
I wish I could call some one to have them help,
but anyone I would,
has left me
I'm debating on calling her,
because I know if she called me right now,
and was acting like me,
I would still help her.
I wouldn't turn my back
I know it's not the same as before
But she did it with her old friend
at that football game last year.
So mabey that offer applys to me?
No it doesn't.
She can't deal with me.
Rather she doesn't care enough
would somebody please just get on
I don't have Kizzie or Andis or Grants number,
Why cant they just get online?
I stare at hte lists one more time.
Jen is on.
Should I bother her?
No. She would laugh at me
No she wouldn't.
But she sure as hell doesn't care.
Why does everybody have be off line.
Should I bother calling her?
She would love to hear me like this.
It would bring a smile to her face.
Besides, what am I having this freak out over?
Their isn't any boy problum,
Their isn't any family problum
Stress?
Mabey...
Stress is the highest possibiliy.
Drama?
I'm staying out of it.
Any friend issues?
Just me and her.
And that isn't causing any big break downs or depression...
What is causing this other than stress?
Its only 2-7-10
hmm...
That number has some form of sentimental thing
I can't remember what was important about today.
Its something though..
It's no use, I can't think of it.
YES I CAN
Oh jeez...
This was the day with the thing back in England,
Where She got locked up with the baby,
Because of Peter...
I think
That sounds right.
Doesn't it?
Yea.
Mabey she knows.
Because that would explain a lot.
Oh well,
mabey if she reads this, she can tell me.
It sounds like shes having a bad day...
But that could mean anything
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Lie
Thanks for proving me wrong.
You definitally would notice if I died right now.
You definitally would notice if something was wrong.
You definitally care about me.
How could I be so stupid to fall for your lies once again.
You blame me for everything wrong,
and make yourself seem like you don't do anything wrong.
News flash.
Look at me for once
See the scars that were brought on by you.
I can't handle the pain you bring me everyday.
I can't be the one you bitch at everyday.
You have her for that.
Sorry I have other friends
Sorry I'm not perfect.
Sorry I'm not going to get bitched at
Sorry I smiled.
I don't give a fuck on what you claim I do.
I just don't give a fuck.
I'm listening to the advice I have been getting.
You loose.
Sorry to break it to you,
But you can't always win.
Thanks for being their for me,
I really could have used your help.
But like you said,
you can't deal with me,
so why the fuck are you still here.
I know I'm not perfect,
Neither are you.
Your driving us all insane
Your wearing me down
I'm sorry but it has to be this way
~Just a warning to any of my friends reading this, it isn't about you at all~
You definitally would notice if I died right now.
You definitally would notice if something was wrong.
You definitally care about me.
How could I be so stupid to fall for your lies once again.
You blame me for everything wrong,
and make yourself seem like you don't do anything wrong.
News flash.
Look at me for once
See the scars that were brought on by you.
I can't handle the pain you bring me everyday.
I can't be the one you bitch at everyday.
You have her for that.
Sorry I have other friends
Sorry I'm not perfect.
Sorry I'm not going to get bitched at
Sorry I smiled.
I don't give a fuck on what you claim I do.
I just don't give a fuck.
I'm listening to the advice I have been getting.
You loose.
Sorry to break it to you,
But you can't always win.
Thanks for being their for me,
I really could have used your help.
But like you said,
you can't deal with me,
so why the fuck are you still here.
I know I'm not perfect,
Neither are you.
Your driving us all insane
Your wearing me down
I'm sorry but it has to be this way
~Just a warning to any of my friends reading this, it isn't about you at all~
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
two in one
Your my number one,
I'm your last resort.
Your my only hope,
I'm your worst nightmare.
You keep me alive and safe
You want dead and bleeding.
I'm not here dreaming,
I'm not wishing for you.
I'm here simply to spite you.
I'm here to prove you wrong
When you see me,
I want you to see how strong I am
You will never take over me
I have a passion so strong
You will never break me down
No matter what you do
You will always fail
I'm happy and strong
So get over yourself
and fuck off bitch,
This is my life now
I dont want to miss my life
Expecially to be miserable for you
I can deal with shit,
but you can just fuck off bitch
this is my life now
I know you've been through hell lately,
But I dont give a shit
I really dont,
You dont care about me,
You dont love me
You just cvause pain and misery
Im better off with out you bastard
I dont need you like I once did.
So fuck off bitch,
this is my life now.
Why am I still alive
Why am I still awake
I cant defeat you
I cant win this everlasting battle
Let the white flags sway,
as I slip into this life,
I have tried time and time again to escape.
Let the rivers flow red,
Let the avalanche come
Let my world fall all around me.
You win.
I can't lie to you,
I can't lie to myself.
I'm not okay,
I need help.
Again I'm asking,
begging and pleading for support.
I can not find any in my closest friends.
For I know my secrets mean nothing to you.
Thanks for being their for me.
Thanks for being a true friend.
Sorry I let you down,
But let the rivers flow red,
let the avalanche fall,
Let my world rise above me.
I can't hold onto the edge forever.
Let me up,
Let me sink.
But it's pointless to keep holding on.
I'm your last resort.
Your my only hope,
I'm your worst nightmare.
You keep me alive and safe
You want dead and bleeding.
I'm not here dreaming,
I'm not wishing for you.
I'm here simply to spite you.
I'm here to prove you wrong
When you see me,
I want you to see how strong I am
You will never take over me
I have a passion so strong
You will never break me down
No matter what you do
You will always fail
I'm happy and strong
So get over yourself
and fuck off bitch,
This is my life now
I dont want to miss my life
Expecially to be miserable for you
I can deal with shit,
but you can just fuck off bitch
this is my life now
I know you've been through hell lately,
But I dont give a shit
I really dont,
You dont care about me,
You dont love me
You just cvause pain and misery
Im better off with out you bastard
I dont need you like I once did.
So fuck off bitch,
this is my life now.
Why am I still alive
Why am I still awake
I cant defeat you
I cant win this everlasting battle
Let the white flags sway,
as I slip into this life,
I have tried time and time again to escape.
Let the rivers flow red,
Let the avalanche come
Let my world fall all around me.
You win.
I can't lie to you,
I can't lie to myself.
I'm not okay,
I need help.
Again I'm asking,
begging and pleading for support.
I can not find any in my closest friends.
For I know my secrets mean nothing to you.
Thanks for being their for me.
Thanks for being a true friend.
Sorry I let you down,
But let the rivers flow red,
let the avalanche fall,
Let my world rise above me.
I can't hold onto the edge forever.
Let me up,
Let me sink.
But it's pointless to keep holding on.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
A cry in the night, A plead for air
Why am I still here?
Nothing is going right.
Nothing is going my way.
Nothing.
Nobody cares.
It's all talk.
Nobody is offering help.
I am asking. Begging. Pleading.
Help me please.
Please.
Make this pain stop.
I'm not safe.
I'm not healthy.
I'm not right.
I will deal with the judment.
I will deal with people
The Dissaproving looks.
The talk.
I want help.
I can't rise above this on my own.
Nobody cares enough to hear me.
Nobody cares to hear my plea.
I want help more than anything.
I want to be loved.
All you say is words.
Just like me.
We are both missing actions.
I'm not pretty,
I'm not smart.
I try my best.
I'm not good enough.
I'm crazy, I know.
I lie more than you would beleive.
I'm trying to get better,
but I never sucseed.
I'm asking you for help now.
This isn't easy to do.
Nobody is going to save me from myself.
No matter how hard I cry.
No matter how much I bleed.
Whether you like to beleive it or not,
I'm not okay.
I'm not fine.
Mom, Dad, I'm anerexic.
Nothing you say can change that
I do things,
I'd rather not speak.
I have not stopped falling mom.
I don't feel good dad.
I'm depressed all the time,
and I have nobody to help me.
I know, we can't afford any help,
money is tight, I know.
"I'll get you help when we can afford it"
I gave up beleiving you.
I'm so sorry I'm putting all of you through this.
I wish I could be healthy.
Please don't blame my friends though.
They have nothing to do with it.
Mom,
Don't threaten to take away hawaii,
Or Maddie,
Or any of my friends.
They make me happy.
please just help me.
I don't know how.
I'm begging you now.
Pleading.
I don't like feeling this way.
I've tried to get healthy on my own mom.
But nothing I do is working.
Dad,
I know theirs not much you can do.
I know this kills you inside.
But I just can't go on living the way I am.
I don't want to die.
I'm not going to either.
I just want help.
But I dont know what to do,
How to get it,
anything.
Maddie.
You have been with me for 9 years now.
Thanks for all the good times.
This isn't easy for me to do,
just writing this is hard.
But I'm not okay.
I just want releif
I havent been doing my part as a friend.
I know I haven't been their for you.
I know I haven't shown that I cared.
I know I haven't been easy on you.
I do how ever know two things,
One: I am eternally grateful for Kevin,
Two: I will never figure out your TV.
But nothing I say matters.
It never does.
I don't have any actions to prove I care.
I'm sorry I'm not a good friend,
I'm sorry that I can't help you.
I'm sorry I haven't been their when you needed me,
Or that I don't call.
I'm sorry I'm not myself around you.
But I never forgott you.
I understand now,
That it is imposible to forgett me.
Because even if I wanted to,
I wouldn't be able to forgett you.
I'm sorry I'm not a stable friend
I want to fix things with us.
I am fixing things with us.
I'm trying my best now.
But my best is never good enough.
I'm sorry I'm putting all of my friends through my roller coaster.
Its not a very fun one I know.
I need my life like the raging bull,
because we all forget what comes after H.
I want to be truely happy again.
Marching band season needs to double time over here.
But most of all,
I just want to laugh again.
Not have a care,
Truely have fun.
We need PAD. Mabey even PDO.
We just need to have fun.
I want to be able to.
more than anything I do.
So heres a cheer for the future,
because it's looking bright.
But for now,
The never ending clouds won't leave.
Life is pure misery.
Help me through this.
I can't face this on my own.
Nothing is going right.
Nothing is going my way.
Nothing.
Nobody cares.
It's all talk.
Nobody is offering help.
I am asking. Begging. Pleading.
Help me please.
Please.
Make this pain stop.
I'm not safe.
I'm not healthy.
I'm not right.
I will deal with the judment.
I will deal with people
The Dissaproving looks.
The talk.
I want help.
I can't rise above this on my own.
Nobody cares enough to hear me.
Nobody cares to hear my plea.
I want help more than anything.
I want to be loved.
All you say is words.
Just like me.
We are both missing actions.
I'm not pretty,
I'm not smart.
I try my best.
I'm not good enough.
I'm crazy, I know.
I lie more than you would beleive.
I'm trying to get better,
but I never sucseed.
I'm asking you for help now.
This isn't easy to do.
Nobody is going to save me from myself.
No matter how hard I cry.
No matter how much I bleed.
Whether you like to beleive it or not,
I'm not okay.
I'm not fine.
Mom, Dad, I'm anerexic.
Nothing you say can change that
I do things,
I'd rather not speak.
I have not stopped falling mom.
I don't feel good dad.
I'm depressed all the time,
and I have nobody to help me.
I know, we can't afford any help,
money is tight, I know.
"I'll get you help when we can afford it"
I gave up beleiving you.
I'm so sorry I'm putting all of you through this.
I wish I could be healthy.
Please don't blame my friends though.
They have nothing to do with it.
Mom,
Don't threaten to take away hawaii,
Or Maddie,
Or any of my friends.
They make me happy.
please just help me.
I don't know how.
I'm begging you now.
Pleading.
I don't like feeling this way.
I've tried to get healthy on my own mom.
But nothing I do is working.
Dad,
I know theirs not much you can do.
I know this kills you inside.
But I just can't go on living the way I am.
I don't want to die.
I'm not going to either.
I just want help.
But I dont know what to do,
How to get it,
anything.
Maddie.
You have been with me for 9 years now.
Thanks for all the good times.
This isn't easy for me to do,
just writing this is hard.
But I'm not okay.
I just want releif
I havent been doing my part as a friend.
I know I haven't been their for you.
I know I haven't shown that I cared.
I know I haven't been easy on you.
I do how ever know two things,
One: I am eternally grateful for Kevin,
Two: I will never figure out your TV.
But nothing I say matters.
It never does.
I don't have any actions to prove I care.
I'm sorry I'm not a good friend,
I'm sorry that I can't help you.
I'm sorry I haven't been their when you needed me,
Or that I don't call.
I'm sorry I'm not myself around you.
But I never forgott you.
I understand now,
That it is imposible to forgett me.
Because even if I wanted to,
I wouldn't be able to forgett you.
I'm sorry I'm not a stable friend
I want to fix things with us.
I am fixing things with us.
I'm trying my best now.
But my best is never good enough.
I'm sorry I'm putting all of my friends through my roller coaster.
Its not a very fun one I know.
I need my life like the raging bull,
because we all forget what comes after H.
I want to be truely happy again.
Marching band season needs to double time over here.
But most of all,
I just want to laugh again.
Not have a care,
Truely have fun.
We need PAD. Mabey even PDO.
We just need to have fun.
I want to be able to.
more than anything I do.
So heres a cheer for the future,
because it's looking bright.
But for now,
The never ending clouds won't leave.
Life is pure misery.
Help me through this.
I can't face this on my own.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Life is a bitch
I know.
You don't have to tell me.
Besides, I'm better off this way.
I don't need the pain,
or the feeling,
or the blood,
or the scar,
or the wonder,
or the tears.
I don't need it.
I want it.
Oh I do.
But I don't need it.
No of course not.
I don't need it at all,
I can make it on my own.
Totally.
Good luck with that.
You don't have to tell me.
Besides, I'm better off this way.
I don't need the pain,
or the feeling,
or the blood,
or the scar,
or the wonder,
or the tears.
I don't need it.
I want it.
Oh I do.
But I don't need it.
No of course not.
I don't need it at all,
I can make it on my own.
Totally.
Good luck with that.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
another wish, another mistake
I slowly lift this life,
in which I try to leave.
I throw it down,
and feel the pain and misery.
I'm trying to get over the fact,
that you don't know me.
It seems like you should though
but I won't let you
I know I mean nothing to you,
but it doesn't help the pain.
You wonder why I don't speak a word,
in fear of you seeing the scars.
I'm done with hiding,
I'm tired of tears,
I'm sick of waisting my life away,
Wishing you were here.
I'm tired of making plans
to have them thrown away.
I know my tears make you happy,
you don't see what they do to me
So once more,
and it won't be the last.
I'll pick up this old life of mine,
and mabey this time you'll see my scars
in which I try to leave.
I throw it down,
and feel the pain and misery.
I'm trying to get over the fact,
that you don't know me.
It seems like you should though
but I won't let you
I know I mean nothing to you,
but it doesn't help the pain.
You wonder why I don't speak a word,
in fear of you seeing the scars.
I'm done with hiding,
I'm tired of tears,
I'm sick of waisting my life away,
Wishing you were here.
I'm tired of making plans
to have them thrown away.
I know my tears make you happy,
you don't see what they do to me
So once more,
and it won't be the last.
I'll pick up this old life of mine,
and mabey this time you'll see my scars
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Dancing winds
A blank space,
open notebook
Just waiting for ideas to flow to me.
Waiting, swaying
nervous for whats coming
take in strides
wait through the storm
Take me away,
the sun will shine
through hazel walls
You send me through wonders
another chance to make this right
I'm dying to see what you have brought,
Another page to this open notebook,
Another phrase to this never ending song,
Another line to another poem
trying to explain my time
I wonder why clouds won't fade,
I hold on tight to this world of make-beleive
Just don't forgett
what I've taught
Just don't forget about me,
Another page to this open notebook,
Another phrase to this never ending song,
Another line to another poem
trying to explain my thoughts
See right through the haze,
you can help me through
Be there for me
help me through.
Another page to this open notebook,
Another phrase to this never ending song,
Another line to another poem
trying to explain my life
A blank space,
open notebook
Just waiting for ideas to flow
open notebook
Just waiting for ideas to flow to me.
Waiting, swaying
nervous for whats coming
take in strides
wait through the storm
Take me away,
the sun will shine
through hazel walls
You send me through wonders
another chance to make this right
I'm dying to see what you have brought,
Another page to this open notebook,
Another phrase to this never ending song,
Another line to another poem
trying to explain my time
I wonder why clouds won't fade,
I hold on tight to this world of make-beleive
Just don't forgett
what I've taught
Just don't forget about me,
Another page to this open notebook,
Another phrase to this never ending song,
Another line to another poem
trying to explain my thoughts
See right through the haze,
you can help me through
Be there for me
help me through.
Another page to this open notebook,
Another phrase to this never ending song,
Another line to another poem
trying to explain my life
A blank space,
open notebook
Just waiting for ideas to flow
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
See my thoughts
For the first time in a long while,
I waited for 11:11.
This may not seem like a big deal,
But I used it on you.
I know I fell for you far to fast
Though you don't seem to mind
Even though weve met just once
My heart belongs to you
Even though I'm destined for a heart break,
I know you will make the break mendable
For I don't care right now how hard I fall
You will be there with me
Or even if you aren't, you would want to
Usually is the case
Don't think I don't care about you
Or assume anything about me
Not that you would.
Though humans have that tendancy
Lovely night
Ironic day
Keep this in mind
Even if you don't want to
I'll be in your head sooner or later
Though, I don't think you'll mind
:)
I waited for 11:11.
This may not seem like a big deal,
But I used it on you.
I know I fell for you far to fast
Though you don't seem to mind
Even though weve met just once
My heart belongs to you
Even though I'm destined for a heart break,
I know you will make the break mendable
For I don't care right now how hard I fall
You will be there with me
Or even if you aren't, you would want to
Usually is the case
Don't think I don't care about you
Or assume anything about me
Not that you would.
Though humans have that tendancy
Lovely night
Ironic day
Keep this in mind
Even if you don't want to
I'll be in your head sooner or later
Though, I don't think you'll mind
:)
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
If only you knew
Fame, Fourtune, and everything imaginable
means nothing to me.
It's just a title and a sterotype I can live with out
Sweep me off my feet,
Tell me that you love me
and kiss me like their's no tommorow
would mean the world to my shattered heart.
means nothing to me.
It's just a title and a sterotype I can live with out
Sweep me off my feet,
Tell me that you love me
and kiss me like their's no tommorow
would mean the world to my shattered heart.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Confessions of my thoughts
All the things I wish I could say to you
I simply can't
For if I did you wouldn't love me,
You wouldn't be there for me,
You would never look at me the same.
I wish I could tell you what goes on in my mind
about him, about you, about our friendship
I know I can't,
you would never speak to me again.
I wish I could tell you all that is wrong.
I wish I could open up to you
I wish I could be myself and still have your love.
I wish you could see past hazle walls
You know me best,
You know me leaste,
Sadly you don't know the real me.
I don't understand how you could be so open with me,
I can't tell you what is wrong right now.
I want to open up to you
but I fear for your sanity,
My mascara isn't water proof,
Neither is yours.
You've been through a lot,
I'm not going to ruin your happiness,
I'm not going to ruin our friendship
I simply can't
For if I did you wouldn't love me,
You wouldn't be there for me,
You would never look at me the same.
I wish I could tell you what goes on in my mind
about him, about you, about our friendship
I know I can't,
you would never speak to me again.
I wish I could tell you all that is wrong.
I wish I could open up to you
I wish I could be myself and still have your love.
I wish you could see past hazle walls
You know me best,
You know me leaste,
Sadly you don't know the real me.
I don't understand how you could be so open with me,
I can't tell you what is wrong right now.
I want to open up to you
but I fear for your sanity,
My mascara isn't water proof,
Neither is yours.
You've been through a lot,
I'm not going to ruin your happiness,
I'm not going to ruin our friendship
Friday, January 1, 2010
I mean what I say
When you ask me whats wrong
and I don't speak strongly
I want you toknow what is wrong
but I don't want to ruin your fun
You get happy off of him
and I'm trying to let you be happy
It just doesn't seem like it
My depression shouldn't mean anything to you
Why it does,
I'm not all that sure.
You use the excuse
"your my best friend"
but that doesn't matter.
My depression can wait,
so go be happy,
My problums will still be here tommorow,
and I know they won't leave
they will be strong as ever
for when you have time for me
So go have fun
I'm not trying to guilt trip you.
I know I haven't been fun lately,
So you don't want to be with me.
You say you'd rather be with me,
but when it's just me and you,
we sit in your room,
and you go on your laptop, and talk to him,
or go online,
or play video games.
I sit and watch you.
So stop lying to my face,
as I have done to you.
You would rather be with him,
I'm just there for when you need someone to talk to.
I know your secrets
I'm the one you talk to
I get all the crazy
I wish I could say the same about you.
But thats okay,
you don't need my problums.
You're not my counsler.
If you were,
then that would suck
I don't mean to drag down your fun.
Just forgett about me,
and my problums.
I'll be here for when you remember.
and I don't speak strongly
I want you toknow what is wrong
but I don't want to ruin your fun
You get happy off of him
and I'm trying to let you be happy
It just doesn't seem like it
My depression shouldn't mean anything to you
Why it does,
I'm not all that sure.
You use the excuse
"your my best friend"
but that doesn't matter.
My depression can wait,
so go be happy,
My problums will still be here tommorow,
and I know they won't leave
they will be strong as ever
for when you have time for me
So go have fun
I'm not trying to guilt trip you.
I know I haven't been fun lately,
So you don't want to be with me.
You say you'd rather be with me,
but when it's just me and you,
we sit in your room,
and you go on your laptop, and talk to him,
or go online,
or play video games.
I sit and watch you.
So stop lying to my face,
as I have done to you.
You would rather be with him,
I'm just there for when you need someone to talk to.
I know your secrets
I'm the one you talk to
I get all the crazy
I wish I could say the same about you.
But thats okay,
you don't need my problums.
You're not my counsler.
If you were,
then that would suck
I don't mean to drag down your fun.
Just forgett about me,
and my problums.
I'll be here for when you remember.
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