I'mnot welcome near you,
I'm trying not tochange,
I'm trying to be friends with you,
I'm just not the same.
I have done shit,
I've never thought I would,
You were there with me,
Unlike now, you cared.
But now I'm throwing my life away,
and you don't even care.
I miss my best friend,
I wish this wouldn't end.
They ask me why I guard myself,
Especially whe I'm around you.
I miss you,
But I wish you wouldn't insult me.
I know I'll never change you,
But it's really getting old.
I know I mean nothing to you,
although I wish I would
I'm calling out for help now,
but you will never see.
I'm asking all the friends you hurt,
but you'll neversee.
I'm asking one specific one,
for she could help the most.
I wish Icould go to you for advice,
but that will never see.
Turn everyone against me,
but you're my leaste concern.
I want to be friends with you,
But I have changed.
You didn't seem to mind though,
You were there to.
-referring to Maddie and my friendship-
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I don't remember your new name, and seeing as 1.) I doubt you want your real name displayed on the internet and 2.) Your profile still calls you Jade, I'm going to refer to you as such.
ReplyDeleteJade, this apology is long overdue. Why? Because I was being my mom. It wasn't that I wasn't sorry. It's that I didn't think there was anything for me to be sorry for.
I've changed a lot in the past month. In the past year. In the past few years. And I realize my wrong. I've done a lot of soul searching. That's all I've been doing lately.
And I have to say sorry. For calling you names. For expecting things from you that just weren't right. For spilling your secrets. For betraying you. For ignoring the small signs that you were a little less alright than you made it seem. I knew that there were problems. I cared too much about myself to try to get inside your mind... to try and figure out what was really going on behind closed doors. I'm sorry for calling you dramatic and not supporting you when I should have been. The term "best friend" was not a word to describe me. I was awful to you. I was wrong.
The term "best friend" was a term to describe only you in the flawed relationship we had. Yeah, you weren't perfect. /Some/ of the things I said, I meant. But you were always there for me. You always tried harder than I did. You always cared more than I did. You were, and I don't use this term in a derogatory fashion, a puppy. Loyal to the death. Friendly to everyone. So abused, yet you kept hope up that maybe one day, I'd love you as unconditionally as you loved me.
And you were so much more than that. I failed to see it. And I thank you from the depths of my being for putting up with my tyranny for so long.
I don't blame you for never calling anymore. I wouldn't have wanted to talk to me either. I don't blame you for any of the things I thought you did. Any of the rumours I thought you spread. I now believe that when you were talking to Hannah, you were just concerned. I don't think that you were literally telling her that I was pregnant anymore. I also now believe that you weren't telling Kevin I slept with Connor to be a bitch or spread rumours. You were more than likely just having a conversation with your boyfriend. I don't know how that conversation went. He could have brought it up or you could've. I don't know, and it really doesn't matter. Also, the whole thing about "why our friendship ended" that I was so damn pissed about you saying it was my fault... now that I look back, it really was my fault. Sure, the thing that made us actually stop talking was that fight at play when I said that you never tried anymore. You apologized, and I said that I didn't believe you... Well now that I think about it, I get why you weren't trying anymore. I get that it was because you didn't /want/ to. You were sick of dealing with me. You were the one that ended it. Not me. And you had good cause. So that one wasn't a rumour either.
So in summary, thank you for being there, and I'm sorry that I wasn't. I'm not asking for friendship. I would never ever ask that of you. I'm not even asking for forgiveness. That'd be 100% selfish for me. But you do deserve the apology.