A cry in the night, A plead for air

Why am I still here?
Nothing is going right.
Nothing is going my way.
Nothing.

Nobody cares.
It's all talk.
Nobody is offering help.
I am asking. Begging. Pleading.
Help me please.
Please.
Make this pain stop.

I'm not safe.
I'm not healthy.
I'm not right.
I will deal with the judment.
I will deal with people
The Dissaproving looks.
The talk.
I want help.
I can't rise above this on my own.

Nobody cares enough to hear me.
Nobody cares to hear my plea.
I want help more than anything.
I want to be loved.
All you say is words.
Just like me.
We are both missing actions.

I'm not pretty,
I'm not smart.
I try my best.
I'm not good enough.

I'm crazy, I know.
I lie more than you would beleive.
I'm trying to get better,
but I never sucseed.

I'm asking you for help now.
This isn't easy to do.
Nobody is going to save me from myself.
No matter how hard I cry.
No matter how much I bleed.

Whether you like to beleive it or not,
I'm not okay.
I'm not fine.
Mom, Dad, I'm anerexic.
Nothing you say can change that
I do things,
I'd rather not speak.

I have not stopped falling mom.
I don't feel good dad.
I'm depressed all the time,
and I have nobody to help me.

I know, we can't afford any help,
money is tight, I know.
"I'll get you help when we can afford it"
I gave up beleiving you.

I'm so sorry I'm putting all of you through this.
I wish I could be healthy.
Please don't blame my friends though.
They have nothing to do with it.

Mom,
Don't threaten to take away hawaii,
Or Maddie,
Or any of my friends.
They make me happy.
please just help me.
I don't know how.
I'm begging you now.
Pleading.
I don't like feeling this way.
I've tried to get healthy on my own mom.
But nothing I do is working.

Dad,
I know theirs not much you can do.
I know this kills you inside.
But I just can't go on living the way I am.
I don't want to die.
I'm not going to either.
I just want help.
But I dont know what to do,
How to get it,
anything.

Maddie.
You have been with me for 9 years now.
Thanks for all the good times.
This isn't easy for me to do,
just writing this is hard.
But I'm not okay.
I just want releif
I havent been doing my part as a friend.
I know I haven't been their for you.
I know I haven't shown that I cared.
I know I haven't been easy on you.
I do how ever know two things,
One: I am eternally grateful for Kevin,
Two: I will never figure out your TV.
But nothing I say matters.
It never does.
I don't have any actions to prove I care.
I'm sorry I'm not a good friend,
I'm sorry that I can't help you.
I'm sorry I haven't been their when you needed me,
Or that I don't call.
I'm sorry I'm not myself around you.
But I never forgott you.
I understand now,
That it is imposible to forgett me.
Because even if I wanted to,
I wouldn't be able to forgett you.
I'm sorry I'm not a stable friend
I want to fix things with us.
I am fixing things with us.
I'm trying my best now.
But my best is never good enough.

I'm sorry I'm putting all of my friends through my roller coaster.
Its not a very fun one I know.
I need my life like the raging bull,
because we all forget what comes after H.
I want to be truely happy again.
Marching band season needs to double time over here.
But most of all,
I just want to laugh again.
Not have a care,
Truely have fun.
We need PAD. Mabey even PDO.
We just need to have fun.
I want to be able to.
more than anything I do.

So heres a cheer for the future,
because it's looking bright.
But for now,
The never ending clouds won't leave.
Life is pure misery.
Help me through this.
I can't face this on my own.